This is going to be short, and kind of depressing. I'm getting to a better place, but it's been hard.
Anxiety sucks.
Having a PCP that doesn't see eye to eye with you sucks
Having such fear of the future that you shut down sucks
Feeling like a failure because you can't focus sucks
Crying in the corner of your office because you're overwhelmed sucks
Panicking on a daily basis sucks
Having to have your husband drive you to work because you have a xanax hangover sucks
Crying at work because it's better than having an anxiety attack sucks
Crying at a doctor's appointment because it's better than panicking sucks
Lying to a doctor about feeling depressed because you're scared they'll take away your anti-anxiety drugs sucks
Lying to a doctor about your anxiety because you're afraid they'll take away your ADHD meds sucks
Facing the realization that if IVF doesn't work you're going to be living CFNBC sucks
I made the step today to get a consult with a psychiatrist. I need antidepressants. I need therapy. I need a doctor who specializes in the human brain to help me get my brain back to normal. I haven't felt normal since my dad died. So many doctors told me it was "just grief" and I would get over it. 2 years later I'm not over it. I'm so depressed I can't move some days. Some days I'm fine and then out of nowhere I'm hit with a panic attack. There are days when all the adderall in the world won't help me focus. I'm terrified I'm dealing with more than I thought I was.
I'm scared of being sick. But after seeing a dear internet friend of mine take the brave step to seek help at an in-patient treatment center, I realized that if she can take the step to do THAT, I can put on my big girl panties and see a psych.
You see, my history with "therapists" isn't great. In high school I had a physicians assistant (not even a PsyD) "diagnose" me as bipolar 2 simply because I was messy, I tended to hyperfocus on things, and he said I was "manic" because I wrote a 50,000 word novel in a week during National Novel Writing Month.
Turns out I wasn't bipolar (and those drugs almost caused me to kill myself). I had diagnosed ADHD and was dealing with depression. It's amazing what an SSRI and some adderall did to improve my ability to focus on the things that needed my attention.
I've tried therapy in the past. I found my therapist very condescending. I don't want to pay some stranger to psychoanalyze my problems. I think I just had a couple of bad therapists who weren't super awesome at connecting with me.
The psych I'm seeing came highly recommended. I'm hoping that he and I will get along.
So I'm going to get better. I'm getting better. I'm learning to cope with things much better than in the past. I'm still not perfect, but I'm looking forward to getting the help I need.
