Dear Naria, you made it

 Wow. It’s been years. Six of them. The girl who started this blog had no clue what the future had in store. 

We got pregnant in November 2015. 

We lost that baby January 2016. 

We got pregnant May 2016. 

We lost our twins late June 2016. 

We got pregnant in August 2016. 

We lost our son Samuel in October 2016. 

We knew something had to change 

We received our donor embryos November 2016, and got pregnant December 2016. 

We lost that donor baby January 2017. 

We got pregnant February 2017

And stayed pregnant 

It was a miserable pregnancy with hyperemesis 

but we stayed pregnant. 

And welcomed our son October 19, 2017. He was everything the girl who started this blog could have ever dreamed of. 

May 2019 we decided to try again. It didn’t work. Our first failed cycle in years. 

But we tried again in July 2019. 

We got pregnant. 

My husband was diagnosed with cancer in August. He kicked cancer’s ass. He’s still cancer free. 

We stayed pregnant. Sick as hell again, but pregnant. 

And on April 2, 2020, in the midst of a global pandemic, we welcomed our precious and perfect daughter. 

Some days I’m still not sure if our family is complete. We still have three embryos on ice. 

But kiddo, we made it. Not on the timeline we hoped for. Not in the ways we expected. But we made it. 

A long time coming (not a BFP)

So,

This blog post has been a long time coming. I think that now the exodus is complete, and we can resume my regularly scheduled rantings.

Although, I may be starting a new blog, or setting this one to password access.

Because a funny thing has happened.

A funny thing that I could have never imagined on January 13th, 2015.


Since the Exodus from the dump, that little proboards forum site has grown to nearly 7800 members, with an average of 300,000 page views a day.

And I'm doing the craziest thing of my life.

You see, 8 or 9 months ago, several of the moderators formed a facebook group so that we could speak candidly about some of the shenanigans going on at the other place. The writing was on the wall for a LONG ASS TIME before the bannings started. And jokingly (or half-jokingly) several of us said "we're smart, we should make a run at making a better website.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think that less than 8 months after that conversation that I would be the one driving the crazy train, straight on to new-website ville.

When I launched the proboards forums, I had zero intention of making this a business venture. I just wanted a safe place for my friends.

But as people defected from the other site, we kept hearing the stragglers say "I want to come, but I don't want to leave people behind. I want people to be able to find us. I want to provide the support that I have been given."

And so the wheels started turning. And with the help of two other early defectors, we're making a run at it. This isn't news for 90% of the people reading this blog. But for that other 10% that didn't follow us over, or who weren't part of the other place, this is big. Like really big.


I would like to introduce you to Then Comes Family. Our goal is to be the #1 fact based TTC, Pregnancy, and Family website on the internet, inclusive of all families in all shapes and sizes, no matter what that looks like.


So if you haven't already, come join us at www.thencomesfamily.com/community

It's still in the earliest of early stages, but I am beyond excited to see what comes next.

Ban Hammer

SO for those of you who are here from TB, I'm sure you've noticed I was banned. When I have the energy I'll probably write up the long version of the story.


The short version is that I challenged BM one too many times, and she cleaned house and banned me. This was AFTER I had a phone call with the COO/co-founder of TB and we were promised more transparency as mods.

My email is nariadreaming@gmail.com

Shoot me an email, tell me who you are. I may even be game at this point for adding some of you amazing ladies on FB.


Otherwise you can feel free to join us on www.bumpbitches.com (goodbyecb.proboards.com if you need a work safe link)


See you on the flip side!

Trying to trust my RE- but it's hard

So my ovaries still just chugging along here. After talking with my RE he thinks we may be ready to trigger Saturday/Sunday for a retrieval early next week!

Right ovary had 13 in the 8-9mm range, left ovary had 20+ in the same range. I know there are women who would kill to have this "problem" but I'm just terrified we're going to get cancelled again.

The RE's decided that we're adding in the ganirelix starting tomorrow to hopefully keep things from running away from us again. 

We also had a long conversation about why the clinic prefers a 2DT over anything else and I'm much more comfortable with it. My RE and his embryologist have gone back and forth on this multiple times. The embryologist tends to follow recommendations and research coming out of Europe, as well as her experience in the field, which has led her to preferring 2DT over any other transfer. 

Since my RE is using time lapse now, the embryologist has said the data she gets from the embryo on day 2 is almost the same as the data she gets from the embryo on day 3, and she feels that the best place for the embryo at that point is in the uterus based on the majority of the genetic imprinting research that she has reviewed. 

So we're back to just waiting. I'm exhausted- I always get this way on the stims... but it's driving me nuts. Coupled with the fact that I've tried to drastically reduce my caffeine consumption and it's a recipe for one cranky Naria. 

Here we go again

Sorry for the radio silence around the holidays. It was a busy one filled with kids, joy, laughter, and professional development.

And as soon as I got home from it all, AF showed up and I was launched head-first into our next IVF cycle. ..

The plan is 100 IU of follistim and 75 of menopur for as long as it takes....


We did an estrogen priming protocol since I don't tolerate provera alone, and the birth control over-suppressed me. It wasn't too bad, all things considered.


I'm currently on Day 5 of stims and aside from the hot flashes and some nausea I'm doing ok. No major bloating yet, but I know that's coming soon. My E2's were only at 92 on Day 4 with my largest follie being 8.5.

The nausea is the most obnoxious part. I'm down 2.5 pounds from when we started stimming because I just can't keep anything down. Yesterday I had 1/4 of a chicken breast and 3 bites of potato salad. It' obnoxious and I pray it's not a preview of what pregnancy will be like for me.

I figure we've probably got another 8-10 days of stims so I'm settling in for the long ride.

Not much going on

We've started our estrogen priming for our upcoming IVF cycle.

Estrace 2 pills daily up through Christmas, and then adding in Provera at night alongside the estrace until New Years.

Then we wait for AF and start stimming.


We're taking things low and slow this time, and they've told me to be prepared for 16 or so days of stimming so that we don't lose control of my follies again.


Not much to update. It's just a holding pattern right now

Escape from Santa's Secret Sweatshop

I swear I'm still here and I'm still alive everyone! I've just been crazy busy with work (it's our busy season) and with some of the community organizations I'm involved in (it's their busy season as well).

And of course, to top it all off, I've been trapped in Santa's Secret Sweatshop damn near every moment I'm not at work or doing stuff for my organizations.

Chances are, if you're reading this blog you'll know two things

1) Infertility is freaking expensive
2) I have several pinterest boards dedicated to crafting things for my loved ones.

So since I have a distinct lack of money right now (#1) and tons of inspiration (#2) it's going to be a crafty Christmas up in the Dreaming household. I've been working on gifts for a few months now, but I needed something quick and easy for hostesses gifts for the million parties I'm going to, and for my coworkers.

Enter the SUGAR SCRUB. It was quick, it was easy, and I must say it is FANTASTIC. And cheap. Especially if you have access to used jars. I used ball jars for mine, but I've seen people upcycle the cute little starbucks frappuccino bottles and it's adorable.

The best thing about the sugar scrub- you can make it in bulk (see the very end of the post) and it ended up costing me roughly $2 per container when all was said and done. That sure as hell beats $8+ each for EXACTLY THE SAME THING from Bath and Body Works.

So without further ado (and I apologize for the messy pic)

Candy Cane Sugar Scrub

Ingredients- will make three pint jars each

6 cups granulated sugar
2/3 cup coconut oil
Peppermint essential oil
Red food coloring


You'll want to use two mixing bowls- I used glass for easy clean up with the oil. Divide the sugar between the two mixing bowls.

Heat up your coconut oil- I microwaved mine in short bursts until it was liquid. While the coconut oil is heating, add 2 drops of red food coloring and 2 dropper fulls of peppermint essential oil (adjust per your preference) to the measuring cup. Once the coconut oil is melted, measure out 1/3 cup into the measuring cup with the peppermint EO and food coloring. Use a fork to mix.

Add the oil mix to one of the bowls of sugar, mixing until it has a soft consistency. You may need to add more sugar to get your desired texture. Play around with it. It's not rocket science.

Repeat the above steps with a second 1/3 cup of coconut oil, omitting the food coloring and mix with the second bowl of sugar.

Now, you'll need to fashion a wide-mouth funnel out of something. I used a coffee filter that is pointed at the bottom. I cut the point off about 1" up from the bottom. A standard household funnel will not work, as the sugar-oil mixture is too thick to pass through.

Now, begin layering the two colors of sugar scrub into the containers, tapping the container on the counter to even it out (or not, if you're going for that sand sculpture look). I did 1/2 cup at a time for mine, so 4 layers each.

Once the containers are full, put the top back on, add a printable label and dress it up with ribbons and scrapbook paper. Clearly I haven't gotten to that point yet. This elf is on her union break.

To use: 
Once a week (or more if necessary) use a spoon to scoop out a heaping tablespoon, and apply to dry skin. Massage in circles for a few minutes before your shower or bath. Rinse remainder off in the bath. Do be careful- since there's oil, you'll be quite slick.

To note: 

Because there is oil in this, you do run the risk of it going rancid. Instruct the recipients to only use a clean spoon (NOT HANDS) to scoop out the sugar, and suggest that they do NOT keep it in the tub- water getting into the mix is the number one cause of sugar scrub going rancid. If they follow these instructions and keep a good air-tight seal on it, it should last 2-3 months.

If you want to further protect your sugar scrub from going bad early, I would suggest adding some Vitamin E oil (you can just buy vitamin e capsules and split them open) and sea salt to the mix. I haven't done this myself, but based on recipes I see online I would suggest 1 tablespoon of vitamin e oil per 1/3 cup of coconut oil. I'm not sure on the measurement for the sea salt (I'd have to do more research).

I've also seen suggestions to add Tea Tree oil. Not only is it great for acne-prone skin, but it also has antimicrobial properties. If you go this route, reduce the amount of scented essential oils you add, and substitute in 10 drops per 1/3 cup coconut oil.

If you're REALLY afraid of germs, you can also add Liquid Germall Plus- it's what people who craft for a living use to preserve their scrubs. I have NO clue how much you would add. So do your research.

Make it in bulk and save

As promised, here is the shopping list if you would like to make it in bulk. You WILL have some raw material left over (especially the coconut oil, but that's never a bad thing in my house). I made 24 jars, and it took less than 1 hour total.

20lb sugar. $8.50 at Target
Nature's Way Coconut Oil 32oz Container- $17.24 on Amazon. I only used 2/3 of the jar.
Essential Oil- .5oz container. I got mine at Michaels with a 40% off coupon for $2.68 after discount
Food coloring- $1
Ball Jars- 2 dozen. I paid $17.46 after tax with my Red Card discount.

Total cost- $46.68

So even if you don't take into account the savings of overage with the sugar and coconut oil, you're looking at cost per gift of $1.95. Maybe $2.50-$2.75 if you add preservatives and buy a bunch of expensive ribbons to dress it up. If you use upcycled jars, the cost drops to $1.22 each

Something that looks a little like hope

So I gave myself permission to get really angry for a few days, and now, we're looking toward the new year with renewed hope.

I had lost all faith in my doctor. A call on Friday changed that.

He has a plan. He has hope. He thinks that with a few medication adjustments and some prepping that we'll be good to go come January.


Changes now:

1) adding in 600mg of CoQ10 a day
2) adding in additional Vitamin D
3) adding in baby asprin now
4) starting metformin. Today I bumped up to 1000mg. Saturday I bump up to 1500mg.

Changes for my cycle:

1) no birth control pills. The doc things that it over-suppresed my ovaries and that's why it took so long for them to respond.

2) Starting at a low (100-125IU) dose of Follistim + 75IU of Menopur- and staying there. He really thinks that if we wouldn't have upped my dose multiple times that we would have gotten there

3) more frequent blood draws. There was no reason to go 4 days between draws last cycle, and knowing what was going on may have helped us better gauge my dose.

Oh the shit we do to get pregnant... 

So now we wait for my period to show up. Dr. Awesome thinks that it will be here this week. I am not expecting it to show up (if at all) until after Thanksgiving. Either way we're going to have an appointment the first week of December to check to see if my ovaries are back to normal. If they are, we'll get a date on the calendar to have my baseline and hopefully we'll start stabbing again in early January.


This isn't how I expected to spend my holiday season- I was hoping we'd have much to give thanks for this year... but all things in good time. Until then I'm focusing on getting back to being well both physically and mentally, and even though we're approaching the holidays I'm hoping to lose another 15 pounds before our cycle... I've got motivation and I can't wait to see what happens!

Gutted...

My estrogen bottomed out.

Game over.

Cycle cancelled.

Quiet now, endure the tremor of a hope that's growing deep inside

Sometimes, the lyrics of a song can express my emotions so much more adequately than my words ever would.

Today is one of those days. Take a listen to the song New Earth by Zerbin

Fuck yeah, we're back in business!

FUCK YEAH! WE'RE BACK IN BUSINESS!!!!!!!

I'm a *wee* bit excited

Estrogen is down to 2900.

So the plan is:
1) 100 units of follistim and 1 vial of menopur tonight
2) ganirelix in the morning, blood draw tomorrow morning
3) Pending blood work results, 100+75 again on Thursday
4)  ultrasound + bloodwork on Friday, and as long as my estrogen stays in check, we'll either be triggering on Friday or Saturday for a Sunday or  Monday egg retrieval. egg retrieval sometime Sunday or Monday.


I'm just praying I have enough good eggs to make this happen!

Cancelled. Maybe. Or not. Who knows

So Monday was the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.

45 follies around 10mm.

And then my E2's spiked- from 715 on Saturday to 3200 on Monday.

My RE called and told me he wanted to cancel my cycle.

I gave in, I gave up. And then a dear internet friend of mine (Hey MaitaiBeth!) told me to call him back and fight to coast.

So I called back. He told me it was useless with follies this small. I told him I'd rather try and fail then not try at all.

So he agreed to let me coast for 48 hours on ganirelix.

Just got back from my scan. 3 follies at 16, 5 more at 14/15, and a handful more in the 12-13 range. And of course too numerous to count still hanging out at 10mm.


So now I wait for my bloodwork. If my E2s have stayed below 4500 or so, he's going to let me keep going this cycle. If they spiked, I'm benched until January at the very least.


I want off this rollercoaster

Now I know how the chicken feels...

Had my scan this morning

45 follies between 10mm and 13mm.


Oh, and the sonographer mentioned there are probably more that she can't count.


Since they're growing slow our ER and ET have been pushed back a few days, but I'm thinking it will probably happen this weekend.

I'm also still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that I potentially have 45 follies in play.


I'm just waiting on a response from my clinic to see if we're adding in the ganirelix tomorrow

The Dreaded 2WW

So before IVF started, I did a lot of googling, and I came across an amazing blog called With Great Expectation. She had an AWESOME timeline of what happens each day post transfer. I've adapted it a bit, since I'm doing a 2 day transfer.

DPT= Days Past Transfer

1DPT: Embryo is growing and developing

2DPT: Embryo is growing and developing 

3DPT: Embryo is now a blastocyst 

4DPT: Blastocyst hatches out of shell

5DPT: Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining

6 DPT: Implantation begins as the blastocyst begins to bury into the lining

7DPT: Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper into lining

8 DPT: Morula is completed implanted in the lining and has placenta cells and fetal cells 

9DPT: Placenta cells begin to secrete HCG into the blood

10DPT: More HCG is produced as the fetus develops

11 DPT: More HCG is produced as the fetus develops 

12 DPT: HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on a pregnancy test* 

*12DPT= 14 DPO, which is when most doctors schedule a beta. However, I plan on testing out the trigger and will probably test starting around 10DPT (12dpo)


It's so cool that I'll know exactly what's going on each day though. We're still on track for an estimated retrieval of 11/13... it's so close!

I've officially lost it- I bought shit catchers

**** TRIGGER WARNING****

*** Pictures of baby purchases below***

Don't read if you're having a rough IF day

I warned you



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I am now the proud owner of 7 no-brand shit catchers.

I don't know why I do this to myself.

I just hope that we have a tiny butt to put in all the fluff next year...

If not, I guess I can resell them on eBay. I got them for a steal- 7 pockets for $19.50 including shipping.

Exhaustion

I forgot how exhausting these meds are. Not just the process of getting everything ready to inject... but the side effects as well.

I can barely stay up past 9:00 most nights. Which means I'm failing at my volunteer obligations, my social life, and my job.

It's a struggle for me to function after 7PM. My husband, bless him, has been driving me to/from work so that I'm safe. He's been driving me several hours each weekend to visit the students I advise. He's been running all of our errands, doing all of our housework, and cooking me dinner every night.

I love this man.

I hate what IF has done to me.

A whole lotta nothing going on

Went in for my scan today.

Biggest follie was 7.5mm

So they're doing what I suggested in the first place- upping my follistm dosage to 175 and keeping my menopur at 75.

About fucking time.

Full of shit

Clearly I missed the memo that these meds will BACK YOU UP hardcore.

I haven't pooped in DAYS. I almost wish I still had my period shits. Because now it's like trying to shit a brick.

And I know the painkillers for ER and ET will only stop me up more.

Perhaps I should be starting the colace now... :(

Little Rituals

Even for those of us who aren't superstitious, we find ourselves participating in little rituals every day of our cycle. It's the one way to control something that is truly out of our control.

Right now, I have my evening stims ritual. It goes like this.


Put "Haven't Met You Yet" (Michael Buble) on repeat on my phone
Clean my IVF table
Lay out all of my drugs for the night
Wash  my hands
Mix my menopur
Inject my menopur
Inject my follistim
Clean up my IVF table
Lay down for 20 minutes and listen to my IVF playlist while I focus on my ovaries

I can't meditate. I've tried. Lord knows I've tried. My brain just can't get that quiet. But I've made a playlist (below) of upbeat music, and I've made a conscious effort to lay down every night and spend some time visualizing my ovaries, visualizing my eggs growing (lots of eggs) and visualizing my body working to eliminate side effects of the drugs.


My Playlist:

Ain't No Mountain High Enough- Marvin Gaye version 
Beautiful Day- U2
A Beautiful Morning- The Rascals
Best Day of My Life- American Authors 
The Best is Yet to Come- Matt Dusk version 
Bless the Broken Road- Rascal Flatts
The Climb- Miley Cyrus
Don't Stop Believing 
Haven't Met You Yet- Michael Buble
I will Wait- Mumford and Sons
I won't give up- Jason Mraz
Laughed until we cried- Jason Aldean
Let it Go- Frozen
No Less than a Woman- Lady Saw
Pompeii- Bastille
Rainbow Connection- Kermit the Frog
Roar- Katy Perry
Shake it Off- Taylor Swift
Somewhere Over the Rainbow- IZ
Unwritten- Natasha Bedingfield
Waiting on the World to Change- John Mayer
Wake Me Up- Avicii
What is Love- Janelle Monae
You've got a Friend in Me- Toy Story
Don't Worry, Be Happy- Bobby McFerrin
Here Comes the Sun- The Beatles

CD 4 Report

Well here we are- CD 4, and day 4 of stims.

As of my monday morning (CD3) scan I had 30+ follicles all < 8mm. A mature egg is anywhere from 20-25mm, so my follicles have a LONG way to go. But this isn't uncommon for me. This has happened every single cycle so far on injects. I'll have a whole lot of nothing, and then BAM, eggs everywhere.

So I'm trying to be patient, and resisting the urge to bump my medication dosage up myself. I have to be better at trusting my doctor. But I know on past cycles my body didn't do jack shit until I hit 225 IU of follistim, so I don't know why they're convinced that this 100+75 is going to work out for me.


Next scan is Thursday morning.