Weekly Goals 6/30/14

So I promised I would set weekly goals for myself. So this week, here are my goals

1) Complete all 3 training "wogs" (walk/jogs) I have scheduled
2) Eat out less than 3 meals
3) Don't skip lunch at work


Starting nice and easy

Fat girl, getting skinny

So part of the reason we're benching ourselves is to lose weight before IVF. I've not put it out there before, but I'm going to right now. 

Between the stress of IF and the death of my father, I have gained 90 pounds in the past 3 years. Before that 90 pounds I put on about 10.

I went from 160 to 278.

278 fucking pounds

Yeah, it feels good to put it out there. That would be a weight that exceeds most home ladders, most soccer mom lawn chairs, and means you're too big to fit in most rollercoasters.

I went from a size 10 to a size 22W

Pretty sure the W stands for whale, not woman. Because "women" aren't designed to be this large.

So it's time to get back in control of my weight and my life. 

This was week 1 of giving a damn about my weight and health for real.

I weighed 278.2 a week ago.

Today I weigh 274.5.

It's a start.

So until we move on with IVF, this blog will be chronicling my journey back to healthy. I hope to highlight things like my workouts, mini goals, my weight change for the week, and some of my healthy meals.

So let's do this.

Remembering Tavin & Casey

Infertility is a funny thing. You spend months (or years) fighting against this invisible foe, until one day you wake up and for a change there are two lines on that damned pee stick instead of one.

And most people would assume at that point that your journey with infertility is over.

But it's not.

I still haven't gotten to that point. I haven't seen the two lines since my two early losses. And excuse me for speaking out of school here, but I think I have a pretty good handle on what happens after that BFP.

Two pink lines are not the end of worrying. Two lines are just the beginning of the fear.

You go from fear of never having children to having fear of losing the children you've fought so hard for. You spend the next 40ish weeks doing whatever you can to ensure that these children that you've loved since before they were conceived have a fighting chance out in the world.

You go from living in 2 week chunks of time between stages of treatment to living in chunks of time separated by milestones.

"Just a few more hours until we see if our betas have doubled"
"Just a few more days and we can see the baby on ultrasound"
"Just a few more weeks until we can hear a heartbeat"
"Just a few more weeks until we're out of first trimester"
"Just a few more weeks until V-Day"
(that's viability day, or 24 weeks gestation- the point at which medical intervention will be taken for preemies, for those not in the know)

Each milestone passed is a quick sigh of relief, and then you find yourself focusing on that next milestone. That next hurdle that stand between you and holding a child in your arms.

Last week, two of my infertility sisters (partners)  were stopped in their tracks, that last big hurdle in their sights. They had fought the battle of infertility. They had come out victorious. They were expecting twin girls. They were over the moon. They had bumps in the road, and the mother who was carrying their babies was placed on bedrest for the past several weeks.

And then the unthinkable happened. At 21 weeks their daughters were born. They had to say hello and goodbye to Tavin in the same breath, and they had an hour with little Casey before she joined her sister in the life that comes after this one.

M & H, I don't know if either of you will ever see this blog, but my thoughts and prayers are with you both today as you celebrate the lives of your daughters. They are so lucky to have moms like you

Wow I'm a slacker

I promised myself I wouldn't let this blog fall by the wayside.


And then I did.


What can I say- life on a break has kind of given me freedom from my IF thoughts.


Since the last time I blogged, I:

- Had a consult with our RE. His suggestion is IVF with ICSI after I lose 40-45 pounds. Tentatively planned for November
- Signed up for a 1/2 marathon in October
- Failed to start training for said half marathon
-Went to Bermuda with my mom- and it was absolute heaven
- Planted over 250 flowers in my garden
- Planted more lettuce and radishes than two people could possibly ever eat
- Lived on lettuce and radishes for a week, LOL
- Scheduled a consult with CNY since they're 1/2 the cost of my RE
- Set up a GoFundMe page at the suggestion of several other bumpies
- Had friends offer to host an online art/craft auction to help pay for our IVF cycle
- Had an extremely generous bumpie offer up a care package that should help bring down our IVF costs
- Redecorated our master bedroom
-tackled a few pinerest projects (pics to follow)
-started an etsy store to help fund our IVF journey
-Started BCP's to avoid hyperplasia again
-found my sex drive
- helped my best friend propose to his now-fiancee
-Spent a weekend in the Smoky Mountains and then in Nashville
- Started to explore adoption


So needless to say I've been quite a busy bee.... but I know I won't be neglecting this blog any more!

Cycle Day 2 and Decisions

Well, AF showed up in full force yesterday.

Any hope that I had was officially ruined.

So now, the tough decisions start. My RE can't get me in for a WTF consult until NEXT wednesday (grr!) so I guess I won't be cycling this month. Which is probably a good thing. I need a mental break- and really our decision is already 99% made regarding switching to IVF.


Do we stick with our current clinic? Do we go to another clinic? Do we do Donor Embryo? Do we give traditional IVF a shot first? Do we move straight to adoption?

I hate this. Too many decisions, too much hassle. Too many concerns.

I spent awhile this morning looking at SART data. This is the < 35 data for my current clinic for the last 10 years

	Cycles	Pregnancy	Live Birth	cancellation	Twins
2004	294	38.8	35	9.9	35.1
2005	248	46.8	43.1	6.5	28.4
2006	270	55.6	47.4	6.7	26.6
2007	224	53.6	47.8	3.1	33.6
2008	218	51.4	48.2	8.3	32.4
2009	209	50.7	45.5	6.2	35.8
2010	308	42.9	37	11.7	32.5
2011	275	41.1	32	10.9	30.7
2012	312	41.3	36.5	10.9	32.5

The decrease in live birth rates from 2009-2012 really has me concerned (going from 45% down to 36%, WTF) and it also puts their most recent year below the national average. Since we are 100% Out of Pocket this could add up VERY quickly.

So I did a bit of comparing between clinics. I looked at a handful of clinics within a 6ish hour drive of where I live now, that also are near friends or family that I could stay with.

	Cycles	Pregnancy	Live Birth	cancellation	Twins
Clinic E	55	63.6%	58.2%	5.5%	46.9%
Clinic A	338	50.9%	45.6%	6.8%	29.9%
Clinic G	403	51.4%	45.4%	4.0%	33.9%
Clinic B	67	44.8%	41.8%	0.0%	35.7%
Clinic D	58	43.1%	37.9%	6.9%	18.2%
Current Clinic	312	41.3%	36.5%	10.9%	32.5%
Clinic H	97	41.2%	36.1%	930.0%	34.3%
Clinic C	59	40.7%	35.6%	11.9%	52.4%
Clinic F	100	42.0%	33.0%	5.0%	36.4%

Clinics A and G are my front-runners. Unfortunately I'm too fat for any of the money-back guarantee programs.


There is also our Option C- IVF in cancun. The clinic I'm looking at (IREGA) has a 65% pregnancy rate (but no stats on live birth) they offer a free FET cycle if your IVF fails, and the cost is $5600+ meds. Yeah, there would be the hotel cost and airfare on top of it, but the cost of IVF+airfare+2 weeks in an all-inclusive would be the same as one cycle here in the states. Not gonna lie- getting a 2 week vacation out of the deal sounds appealing to me.

NIAW Day 4- If you were paralyzed...

#NIAW Day 4: 

"So, what do you think people would say to you if you were paraplegic instead of infertile?" (author unknown)

1. As soon as you buy a wheelchair, I bet you'll be able to walk again!
2. You can't use your legs? Boy, I wish I was paralyzed. I get so tired of walking, and if I were paralyzed I wouldn't have to walk anywhere!
3. My cousin was paralyzed, but she started shaving her legs in the other direction and she could walk again. You should try that.
4. I guess God just didn't mean for you to be able to walk.
5. Oh, I know exactly how you feel, because I have an ingrown toenail.
6. Sorry, we don't cover treatment for paraplegia, because it's not a life-threatening illness.
7. So... when are *you* going to start walking?
8. Oh, I have just the opposite problem. I have to walk walk walk - everywhere I go!
9. But don't you *want* to walk?
10. You're just trying too hard. Relax and you'll be able to walk.
11. You're so lucky... think of the money you save on shoes.
12. I don't know why you're being so selfish. You should at least be happy that *I* can walk.
13. I hope you don't try those anti-paralysis drugs. They sometimes make people run too fast and they get hurt.
14. Look at those people hiking... doesn't that make you want to hike?
15. Just relax, you'll be walking in no time.
16. Oh do my legs hurt, I was walking and walking and going up and down the stairs all day.
17. I broke my leg skiing, and was on crutches for weeks, and was worried I'd have a permanent limp, but I'm 100% healed.
18. I'd ask you to be in my wedding party but the wheelchair will look out of place at the altar.
19. You're being selfish, not coming on the hike with us, and looking at all of my track & field trophies.
20. Don't complain, you get all the good parking places.
21. If you just lose weight your legs will work again.
22. If you would just have more sex, you could walk!
23. You don't know how to walk? What's wrong with you? Here let a real man show you how to walk!
24. You are just trying too hard to walk. Give up, and then you'll walk.
25. Here, touch my legs, then you'll walk!
26. Just take a vacation, and the stress-break will be sure to get you walking!

Please, before you offer well-meaning advice, think about how ridiculous you might sound.

NIAW Day 3: Why don't you just adopt?

NIAW Day 3: Why don't you just adopt? 

I’ll admit I was saving this for later in the week, but I decided that after last night’s post that it would be a good follow up. As an adoptee, many people have asked us “well, why don’t you just adopt?” I appreciate where people are coming from, but “just adopting” isn't exactly a practical solution, nor is it a solution to infertility.

Adoption is a cure for childlessness. It does not cure infertility. You will be a parent after you adopt, but you will not be fertile.

Let that sink in for a second. 

Many people go through incredibly long, heartbreaking, and expensive journeys with their infertility. When all is said and done, and hope for a biological pregnancy has come to an end, many couples have spent $50,000+ in their medical attempts at pregnancy over the course of dozens of months. “Just adopting” isn't always a realistic option after spending that kind of money.

 Domestic infant adoptions cost anywhere from $10,000 to $30,000+ and sometimes more. After going through medically invasive fertility testing and treatments, you find yourself going through emotionally invasive homestudies, and being at the mercy of expectant mothers. 

Depending on your openness to medical situations or trans-racial placements, your wait time from application to finalization can be anywhere from 8-36+ months, with no guarantee of a child. I personally know of a woman who had 3 matches, and the birth parents changed their mind last minute. I cannot even begin to imagine their heartbreak.

International adoption is a changing frontier. Not only are you looking at a minimum cost of $30,000, but thanks to organizations working to strengthen families in developing countries (a good thing!) there is a decrease in the number of children under the age of 2 available. 

This isn’t the late 90’s when you could apply and be on a plane home with your healthy Chinese/Russian/Guatemalan baby in less than 9 months. Most of the children waiting for adoption overseas are older, are part of a sibling group, or have special needs. And if you’ve ever been on anti-depressants or seen a therapist, you can automatically rule out about ½ of the countries that the US has adoption agreements with. If your BMI is over 24, you can rule out another ¼ of the countries. And if you’re under 25 or over 40, or you have not been married at least 5 years, you can pretty much rule out any other country.

And let's just think about what happened with Russia. A hasty decision was made in a matter of weeks to close their borders to adoption from US couples- leaving many couples in limbo. These couples had already made a substantial financial commitment to their adoption, and suddenly they were out of hope, out of luck, and out of money with no refunds. That could happen in any country at any time. 

Which leaves us with the last adoption option: adoption from the foster care system. From a financial standpoint, this makes the most sense. It often costs nothing, or very little (less than $2,000) for the official paperwork. There are ALWAYS children in need of foster homes. There are over 100,000 children in the US who are legally free for adoption. The downside is that these children are in foster care for a reason- they’ve been through trauma that you and I cannot even begin to imagine. And most of them are older (over 5) or have medical needs. 

If you’re ready and able to parent a child with emotional, physical, psychological, or learning disabilities adoption from the foster care system is a great option. But again, it’s not a solution to the “I want to raise a baby” problem facing infertile couples. It’s a difficult road- I’d challenge you to read the book “Our Own” and ask yourself if YOU would honestly be able to welcome a hurt child into your home. 

So recap: Adoption costs anywhere from $2,000- $50,000. It takes anywhere from 8 months- 5+ years. It requires a federal background check, a thorough home inspection, interviews of your friends, neighbors, and family members. It requires an agonizing wait, and at the end of the day there’s no guarantee that you’ll have a child.

 All of this after spending tens of thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours of emotional energy on infertility treatment.

Furthermore, saying to “just adopt” is degrading to adopted people. It’s like “oh, your parents couldn’t have a biological child, so they ‘just adopted’”. Adoption shouldn't be a backup option or a second-tier way of family building, and a child who has already experienced the loss of their first family deserves the dignity of knowing they came into a family through love and prayer- not because they were a 2nd best option.

 Don’t get me wrong- adoption is amazing, and for DH and I personally it will most likely be a part of our family building story. But it’s not as easy as “just adopting”. So before you tell someone with infertility to “just adopt” please think about the implications of what you’re saying.