Doing good things for ME!

Throughout this whole IF nightmare/journey I've slowly been making positive changes in my life again. Eating well, exercising more (or at least trying to) and getting a good night's sleep have all been things I've tried to focus on.


But I realize that as great as my internet lady friends are, I really need to talk to *someone* professionally about the emotions that go with this hideous journey.

Which is why I've decided it's time to schedule an appointment with the counselor at my RE's office. Regardless how this cycle goes, it will be good to get these feelings off of my chest.

So I'm calling tomorrow morning.


Let's high five for putting myself first!

20% Success Rate

This cycle has been a head-trip. For the first time in our TTC journey there's a snowball's chance in hell of me getting pregnant. I hate that we had two "easy" conceptions that we lost so early, and now we're having to fight tooth and nail to see those two pink lines.


Which means I've had a lot of hope in this cycle. My body is *finally* doing what it should have been doing these past two years, but at the same time I have to keep reminding myself that we're only at a 15-20% chance of success.

That's an 80-85% chance of failure. It's more likely that we WON'T get pregnant this month, which is a real buzzkill.

But I am hanging on to that 20% chance that we will.

Why you need to be monitored on Clomid

One of the most common questions that we get asked on TB is "why do I need to be tested before taking Clomid and why should I be monitored"

First, let's address the testing. Making sure that there are no underlying issues is essential to making a treatment plan.

Proper testing before starting ANY fertility med includes (at a minimum) 

-An HSG for the female partner
-CD3 and 7DPO blood work for the female partner
-SA for the male partner

So why bother with all of this testing? Imagine your eggs are race cars, your ovary is the gas station, and your Fallopian tubes are the roads to the finish line. If you have tubal scarring, a defect, or blockage, no matter how much race fuel (Clomid) you pump into the cars at the gas station, your car won't make it to the finish line.

And the bloodwork? That's important because it can rule out underlying disorders (thyroid, adrenal hyperplasia, etc) that can be making getting pregnant even more complicated.

And the SA (semen analysis)? There's also no point in pumping the race cars full of race fuel if they make it to the finish line alone. If your partner's little swimmers aren't able to get to the egg, no amount of clomid in the world is going to solve that problem.


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And then there's the monitoring. At this point, many people have spent $1,500-$2,000 on testing alone and are questioning why in the world they need to have MORE tests done every month.

Proper monitoring on clomid looks like this:

CD3 ultrasound & bloodwork to make sure you don't have any cysts forming

CD10-14 ultrasound (depending on when you normally ovulate) to check your response to the drugs. If you haven't responded, they can increase the dosage, and if you responded too well (hyperstimulated) they will cancel the cycle so that you don't end up like Kate Gosselin. Clomid also has a nasty habit of thinning out your lining, so they'll measure that to make sure you can implant.

7DPO (NOT CD21) bloodwork- to check hormone levels to ensure that your body will be able to sustain a pregnancy if implantation occurs.

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We're talking about your health. Your risk of maternal death increases when on unmonitored clomid due to the risk of higher order multiples. You could also develop OHSS which can be fatal, and you risk significant damage to your reproductive organs.

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

On firing a doctor

I seem to have terrible luck with general physicians/family doctors. Some might go so far as to call me a high-maintenance patient. I hate that word. I prefer to describe it as "I know what I want, and I have expectations for my doctor".


My "short list" of what I expect from a physician's office

1) Punctuality. My time is just as valuable as yours. If my appointment is scheduled for 1PM, I expect to be seen at 1PM. Or 1:15. Not 2:00, 2:30, or 3:00. If I'm left to wait more than 30 minutes, you should expect a bill from me. If I have to pay a penalty for not showing on time, so should you.

2) I'm coming to see a doctor. Nothing grinds my gears  more than walking in and being introduced to my "provider". I have a cable & internet provider. I would like to see a DOCTOR. Not a PA, not a nurse practitioner. Someone with the letters MD or DO after their name.

3) I will not get on a scale. Thank you. I have a scale at home. I weigh in at least every other day. My scale is not calibrated the same as your scale. I'm more than happy to report my weight, or weigh in if it is medically necessary for a prescription or before surgery. But I will not give up my right to refusal of medical tests simply because it's easier for you.

4) I probably won't like your nurse, and you need to be ok with that. I don't know what it is about me and the nurse "assigned" to my doctor, but we tend to butt heads. She's there to get me into a room and get my vitals. Nothing more. She also doesn't have the right to make medical decisions regarding my medications, so if you think it's appropriate for your nurse to tell me to stop a medication without consulting you first, well, yeah, this won't work out.

5) I will advocate for myself. I won't take your advice at face value. I know myself and my body well enough to know if something's a good idea or not. I won't blindly accept pills. I won't take a diagnosis at face value, and I will question the need for every medical procedure.



All this to say I'm on the market for a new physician. My current MD's nurse left me in tears and I'm not OK with the way he handled the situation either.

Did something stupid/Hope I don't jinx myself!

DH and I have always planned to cloth diaper our future LO(s). I also have several mommy friends who CD and love it. Several of said friends are pregnant with #2 at this point, so I've been watching craigslist and freecycle for good deals.

Came across a set of 11 BumGenius diapers (for those who aren't in the know, they're a darn good diaper) for $50 total. They retail new for $18 each, so less than $5/each for gently used diapers is a STEAL.

Of course, my friends' stashes are all full right now... which has left me with 11 cloth diapers. For Future Fetus Dreamer.


Yeah. I just became *that person* that buys baby stuff for the baby that doesn't exist yet.

I'm sending them to my mom's house, and telling her if we're not pregnant by next year to sell them online.

So now I'm just praying I didn't jinx myself.

The CLOMID CHALLENGE

It sounds so much more exciting when it's called "The Clomid Challenge". It sounds like some sort of ovarian olympics. Or an Ironman for your uterus.

In reality it means your ovaries SUCK and didn't do jack squat for the last round of clomid.


Had my CD14 follie check today. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. A few little 7mm useless things on my right ovary (which is useless since my right tube is blocked) and nothing measurable on my left.

I feel so completely, utterly, and totally defeated right now. My left ovary  has been a literal pain in my side, and I had such a pretty temp drop and spike this weekend. Of course it came back down today and I'm chalking up my excitement to a change in blankets or something asinine. 

Is it 5:00 yet? I need something stiff. 

Let's talk about sex

Honestly, IF has destroyed our once active sex life. Before all this BS, we were the every-other-day hot, rough, naughty sex type. Not 50-shades-of-Grey naughty, but "more than you can buy at Spencers" naughty.

Now we're lucky if we have sex once a month, and it's more out of a feeling of obligation. It's mechanical and boring. I'll be honest, IF has made me feel defective. It's gotten to the point where I say "Why bother having sex, it's not like I can get pregnant even if we try, and no matter how much we do it we won't have a baby on our own".

Sex has become self-defeating for me and it's ruining our marriage. DH is constantly frustrated, I'm constantly mopey, and I feel like the only time he's physically affectionate toward me is when he thinks he can get some. I can't say that I blame the guy though- I've been shutting him down left and right.

Now that we're in medicated cycles, I've tried to explain that before we screw like bunnies, we have to make sure it's safe for me, and for Future Fetus/fetuses Dreamer. I've explained the risk of higher order multiples, of WHY we need to wait until after our ultrasound to bang bang bang. He gets it. He's not happy about it, but he gets it.

So here we are at the present. I've had negative OPKs all week and my temps have been holding steady. Imagine my surprise Saturday morning when I woke up with a temp drop on CD 12.

Was this the magical pre-O temp drop so many speak of?!??!??!?!

"woah Naria, PUMP THE BRAKES"

We're not scheduled for our follie check until Monday. My CD3 ultrasound was clear of cysts, and since I haven't had a cycle in 8 months at this point, they assumed I'd O later in my cycle.

"but but but but....."

I had to make a judgement call, and I'm pretty sure I just made the wrong one because I had a temp spike this morning. Lord help me if I pull a Kate Gosslin. I just couldn't help myself any longer.

But the sex was great. 

The OPKs never turned positive, so I'm hoping perhaps I was just warm in my sleep....

So here's to my ultrasound tomorrow morning. Lord help us if I already O'd.