SURPRISE- less than 30 days left of birth control

So my consult went... amazingly well.

I figured I'd be on BC until early November, with a late Nov ER/ET


Nope. SURPRISE. We're coming off the BCPs on 10/20 with a potential retrieval the 1st week of November.


I'm officially freaking out.

I am SO SO SO grateful to a couple of women who have sent me "care packages" that will help reduce some of my medication OOP costs. Because when I got my medication list, I realized that I would be needing a TON of meds.

Menopur: $850
Follistim: $1400
Ganirelix: $650
Lupron: $100
Novarel: $90
Progesterone in Oil: $50

And then of course there's the antibiotics, steroids, pain killers, and potentially lovenox.

So close to $3200 all in all. But thanks to the generosity of some friends, it's looking like I'm going to only be paying $850 or so for my medications! Praise God for amazing people!

I'm honestly still in a whirlwind of emotions. It doesn't feel real, I'm terrified it won't work, but I'm going to have faith that this will be our take home baby.

Double or Nothing

So by now I'm pretty sure you've all realized I like statistics. I like manipulating numbers. They bring me a sense of calm.

So I crunched the SART data for my clinic (again). Our Doc says that for our case in particular he thinks we have somewhere between a 50-60% chance of success on our first cycle.

And then I looked at the data for multiples. And my heart skipped a beat. My clinic has a slightly (every so slightly) higher than average rate of twins. Luckily their rate for HOM is lower than the national average.

I just can't shake this feeling that my body is going to offer me double or nothing.

I'm still obese. I'm down 20 pounds (YAY) but in an ideal world I'd probably still be 80 pounds lighter than I am right now. And I know that the risk is VERY real with a twin pregnancy.

So here we go. Numbers:

My clinic

Year	Live Birth	Twins	Triplets
2012	36.5%	32.5%	1.8%
2011	32.0%	30.7%	2.3%
2010	37.0%	32.5%	0.0%
2009	45.5%	35.8%	1.1%
2008	48.2%	32.9%	1.0%
5 year average	39.8%	32.9%	1.2%

National Average

Year	Live Birth	Twins	Triplets
2012	40.7%	29.5%	1.1%
2011	40.1%	30.8%	1.2%
2010	41.7%	32.4%	1.5%
2009	41.4%	32.9%	1.6%
2008	44.4%	33.3%	1.9%
5 year average	41.7%	31.8%	1.5%

By the numbers I've got a 40% chance of getting pregnant. By my doctor I've got a 50/50 shot at getting pregnant.

And then IF I'm pregnant, I've got damn near a 33% chance of having two. My RE is strongly encouraging transferring two embryos. I'm going to take his advice. But a 1 in 3 chance of having twins is absolutely terrifying.

I spend entirely too much time lurking on the Multiples boards online. I spend entirely too much time calculating out not only my EDD (estimated due date) for this potential pregnancy, but what milestones I need to hit- Viability Day, making it past the "micro-preemie" cutoff (28 weeksish) and my "twins are done cooking date" (usually doctors want a twin pregnancy to last at least 35 weeks).

I've looked up the statistic for what % of twin moms delver by X weeks, and I find quite a bit of comfort knowing when my potential future fetuses could arrive.

I'm not sure if I'm crazy or if I'm optimistic, but I'm ready to tackle this beast head on and finally escape TTC land. I'm ready for the Fertility Boat to come pick me up. It's my time for the golden ticket. I'm ready to cross over to the other side.

I've been moderating the May 2015 birth club board for the past month, and it has been amazing how they've welcomed this infertile with open arms until they can elect their own mod. I can't wait to have that experience with MY OWN BMB.

Om Nom Nom (that's the sound of me on pinterest)

So with my IVF approaching, and the weather turning cold again, I can't help but realize that the time for grilling will soon be over :(

Yes- this makes me a sad SAD panda

But that just means it's time to start thinking about crock pot cooking again! And in my eternally optimistic state of mind, that means it's time to start thinking about meal prep for the coming season.

I tend to surf pinterest at work when I'm bored, and it hit me today that I have over 80 pins on my crock pot make ahead meals board.

And another 58 pins on my freezer (non-crock pot) meal board

And 150 on my one pot wonder meals board

68 on my gluten free board

and 21 on my crock pot soups board.

That's 377 meals. I could literally not pin anything else and have a new recipe to try every single day for the next year.

So in order to save money AND start prepping meals for WHEN (not if) I'm pregnant and then for postpartum, I'm making a commitment to trying 25 recipes every month from my pinterest boards.  And as I find recipes I like, I will be moving them all into a postpartum cooking pin board.

My plan all along has been to start doing major batch cooking starting in early 3rd trimester, and add to it every couple of weeks so that by the time I have an outside baby, I will also have 10 weeks (roughly 60 meals) worth of dinners frozen and ready to either go into the oven or the crock pot. I plan to prepare enough food in each bag (or tray) to feed 3-4 people, so that way I have something for lunch (leftovers) as well as to feed any family that might be visiting.

Freezer meals tend to last for about 3 months in the freezer. So if I start cooking around 32 weeks (or earlier if we end up having a high risk pregnancy) and prep an additional 15 meals every 2 weeks, I should be covered! I know, it sounds horrible- preparing 15 meals in one day. But honestly, I often double the recipe and split it into 2 bags, and from start to finish it usually takes about 4 hours in the kitchen.

4 hours on a Sunday afternoon is a great investment if it means I don't have to spend ANY time in the kitchen for the rest of the month.

Week 32: Prepare 20 meals. Will need to be consumed by 4 weeks PP
Week 34: Prepare 15 meals. Will need to be consumed by 6 weeks PP
Week 36 Prepare 15 meals. Will need to be consumed by 8 weeks PP
Week 38: Prepare 15 meals. Will need to be consumed by 10 weeks PP
Total meals:  65

As I create the meal plans for each batch cooking, I promise to post them!


Do you have any go-to meals for meal trains/sunshine missions/church groups that I should know about? I'm always interested in adding more to my arsenal- especially if that recipe is gluten free and nut free!

Snap, Crackle, Pop

Those would be the sounds made by my body during my chiro appointment this morning.

It's been over 2 years since my last adjustment, and my back has been getting progressively worse. Gotta love our sedentary culture for that!

So I made an emergency appointment with my former (now current!) chiropractor's office.

The doctor FLIPPED when I told him it hurt to move my neck, and that my left arm and leg randomly go numb.

The good news: My body still responds really well to chiropractic care. And it sounded like he put a lot of things back into place (judging by the number of times my body went snap, crackle, and pop).

The better news: they're experienced with treating infertile women

The best news: they've seen many patients have successful IVF treatments after multiple IVF failures after incorporating chiropractic care. So hopefully by being proactive, we'll get a sticky bean the first time around.

I've also been calling acupuncturists to get pricing and their thoughts. I'm going to pour everything we've got into this first round of IVF, so hopefully it ends up being our ONLY round of IVF!

Here goes everything

So I had  my last appointment with my RE prior to my IVF cycle last week, and next week I go for IVF orientation.

Am I nervous: Absolutely
Am I optimistic that this is going to work: You bet your ass


I'm feeling pretty good about this cycle, despite the fact that we lost all IF coverage on my insurance (BOO!)

Anxiety Fucking Blows

This is going to be short, and kind of depressing. I'm getting to a better place, but it's been hard.

Anxiety sucks.

Having a PCP that doesn't see eye to eye with you sucks

Having such fear of the future that you shut down sucks

Feeling like a failure because you can't focus sucks

Crying in the corner of your office because you're overwhelmed sucks

Panicking on a daily basis sucks

Having to have your husband drive you to work because you have a xanax hangover sucks

Crying at work because it's better than having an anxiety attack sucks

Crying at a doctor's appointment because it's better than panicking sucks

Lying to a doctor about feeling depressed because you're scared they'll take away your anti-anxiety drugs sucks

Lying to a doctor about your anxiety because you're afraid they'll take away your ADHD meds sucks

Facing the realization that if IVF doesn't work you're going to be living CFNBC sucks


I made the step today to get a consult with a psychiatrist. I need antidepressants. I need therapy. I need a doctor who specializes in the human brain to help me get my brain back to normal. I haven't felt normal since my dad died. So many doctors told me it was "just grief" and I would get over it. 2 years later I'm not over it. I'm so depressed I can't move some days. Some days I'm fine and then out of nowhere I'm hit with a panic attack. There are days when all the adderall in the world won't help me focus. I'm terrified I'm dealing with more than I thought I was.

I'm scared of being sick. But after seeing a dear internet friend of mine take the brave step to seek help at an in-patient treatment center, I realized that if she can take the step to do THAT, I can put on my big girl panties and see a psych.

You see, my history with "therapists" isn't great. In high school I had a physicians assistant (not even a PsyD) "diagnose" me as bipolar 2 simply because I was messy, I tended to hyperfocus on things, and he said I was "manic" because I wrote a 50,000 word novel in a week during National Novel Writing Month.

Turns out I wasn't bipolar (and those drugs almost caused me to kill myself). I had diagnosed ADHD and was dealing with depression. It's amazing what an SSRI and some adderall did to improve my ability to focus on the things that needed my attention.

I've tried therapy in the past. I found my therapist very condescending. I don't want to pay some stranger to psychoanalyze my problems. I think I just had a couple of bad therapists who weren't super awesome at connecting with me.

The psych I'm seeing came highly recommended. I'm hoping that he and I will get along.

So I'm going to get better. I'm getting better. I'm learning to cope with things much better than in the past. I'm still not perfect, but I'm looking forward to getting the help I need.

Well shit, I have a half marathon in 79 days

Procrastination wins again. I have a half marathon in 79 days and I have been majorly slacking on my training.


The good news: My bath tub is getting installed this week so I will be able to take ice baths
The bad news: I have zero aerobic base and 11 weeks to train.

This may be the smartest or dumbest shit I've ever done in my life. We'll see. I'm making the commitment to get up at 5:30 AM every day to go for my training run so that I can get across that finish line. Because there is a shiny medal. A really big really shiny medal.

And beer. There is free beer at the finish line.


So here is my training plan. It's increasing my mileage by more than 10% per week, so I'm taking preventative measures like taping my knees, wearing my shin splint boots, and of course ice baths. And if I feel a stress fracture, I'm pulling out. But dammit, I'm going to do it. Because the week after this race is potentially when we start to stim for IVF #1. And I'm going to be 30 pounds lighter in the next 11 weeks.

And yes. I will be holding myself accountable.

I also need to do a weight check, but every time I've stepped on the scale this week it's said "Lo"

So between being too lazy to change the batteries, and enjoying the scale telling me that my weight is "Lo" (LOL) I've not weighed in.