"You can always adopt"

I wanted to write a post today on one of the things that many folks consider to be the most insensitive thing you can say to someone struggling with infertility:

"Oh, why don't you just adopt"

"Just adopt"- like it's as easy as going down to a human shelter, plunking down $40, getting a human license and picking one out of a kennel. A baby is not a dog or a kitten, and it's not as simple as "just" doing it.

I'm going to give you both sides of the coin, and then where I stand in the whole picture.

Reasons a person might not adopt: 

Adoption isn't a cure for infertility
You have to go through the process of mourning the loss of ever having a biological child. Some people are able to do this, but some people are not able to move past that grief. For them, adopting is NOT an option because it does not fulfill their parenting needs.

Adoption isn't cheap
By the time many people struggling with IF reach adoption, they have already paid for several medicated cycles, and possible have experienced failed IVF. Since most women are out of pocket for IF costs, the cost to adopt is an additional burden.

Adoption from foster care- $0-$2000+  This type of adoption is normally through the state (not an agency) and is for a child who is waiting. This type of adoption is great if you don't mind raising an older (typically over the age of 5) child or a sibling group.

Domestic Infant Adoption (agency) - $5,000- $30,000+ This is the adoption most people think of. Go to an agency, fill out the paperwork, make a profile, wait to be picked by a birth mother. The wait for a healthy infant can be YEARS depending on your level of comfort with prenatal drug exposure, ethnicity, and disabilities.

Domestic Infant Adoption (independent)- $8,000- $30,000+. This type of adoption is becoming more popular again. It's the same as agency adoption, but instead of paying an agency to find an expectant mother for you, you use a matching service, publicize yourself, or find an expectant mother through word-of-mouth. This type of adoption typically carries more risk when it comes to women who are scamming prospective adoptive parents.

International Adoption- $7,000-$50,000+. The waits are long, the requirements are strict, the children are older, and many of the children face significant special needs. For instance, the last time I inquired, the wait for a HEALTHY baby (aged 2 or under) from China was 5 years. FIVE. YEARS. And that is AFTER you spend 12-18 months doing all of the paperwork!

Adoption has risks too
For women who have gone through hell trying to get pregnant, adoption is another risk to take. The chance of bringing home a take-home forever child is typically higher than most IVF clinic success rates, but disrupted adoptions (where the biological parents change their mind after placement) do happen, there are scam artists, medically, you may never know what risks your child has, and there is always the chance that you might not pass a home study (but that's rare unless you have a criminal background)

Adoption is invasive- and another emotional slap to the face
To adopt, you are put through the gamut. You're fingerprinted, you have to have FBI background clearances. You have to take classes, training, medical studies. Your finances are looked over with a fine tooth comb. Your friends, family, and coworkers are interviewed, giving them an active voice in determining if you are fit to raise a child. You have a social worker come to your home and judge your living situation. Once again, your fate to parent is out of your hands. When a fertile couple chooses to start a family, the only two people passing judgement on their readiness to parent are the two people involved in creating this life. They don't need a license, a background check, or a home inspection in order to get a "pregnancy license"

If you get through all of this, and you're going through domestic adoption, you then get to face another slap to the face. A woman who is so fertile that she is now carrying a child she feels that she does not have the ability to parent gets to make the final call- she gets to decide if YOU are good enough to raise her child. For women who have faced IF, it's a low, LOW blow. You already feel like you're a biological failure, that you are broken, damaged goods, and now you sit and wait while countless women who find themselves pregnant by mistake pass over your profile, deciding that you're not good enough.

Reasons why someone might choose adoption: 

Your desire to be a mother is stronger than your desire to be pregnant 

For some women, once they can move past the grief of losing their biological ability to have a child, their desire to be a mom overrides their fear/discomfort of not being a biological parent.

Adoption can be a "better investment" 

For couples who are open to some of the less expensive types of adoption (including foster care and legal risk foster-to-adopt), adoption can make better "financial sense" than IVF. For those who are 100% OOP for IVF, the costs can easily be between $10,000 and $15,000 and nationally the success rate for IVF is between 30 and 50% depending on the type of IVF and embryo approach you take.

Contrast that with adoption. While there are no nationally reported statistics, most organizations I've researched state that the number of displacements (where the expectant mom changes her mind after placement but before the revocation window is over) is less than 10%. The number of women who match but change their mind before birth is higher, but if you are working with a reputable agency, you do not lose the financial investment- it's more of a "shared risk" where your fees cover you adopting *a* child, not necessarily *a specific child*.

Adoption as a spiritual belief

For people of certain faiths, adoption is a part of their religious dogma. As a Christian, I know that the bible says that pure religion is to care for widows and orphans (James 1:27). For many who subscribe to similar faiths, adoption is a calling from a higher power to become a parent through a biblical ordination, and not through pregnancy.

For others, they may have moral/ethical issues with moving past a certain point of IF treatments, and adoption then becomes the "default" option for their next step in family building.

Adoption as a cultural norm

Many people who are adopted, or who have immediate family who are adopted see adoption as a normal part of family building. For these women, adoption may have always been "part of the plan" but perhaps the plan was just moved up a bit in the timeline.

Adoption for health reasons

Sometimes during the course of IF treatment, women learn that it may be inadvisable to become pregnant (or to have a subsequent pregnancy). For these women, their desire to ensure their long-term health leads them to adoption. 

Where I stand

I am adopted. For me, adoption is a spiritual calling and a part of my history, and a cultural norm in my family. My mother struggled with IF and eventually chose adoption after several failed IVF procedures. I can't imagine having two parents who could have loved me more than my mom and dad, and they ARE my parents, not my "adoptive parents". She was the one who came running when I fell off my bike and screamed "MOMMY HELP". He was the one who taught  me to fish and sang me lullabies. They were the ones at every scholastic competition, performance, and athletic event. They were the ones who were at my graduations, and he was the one who gave me away when I walked down the aisle. I do also know my birth mother, and I have an amazing relationship with her, but it's definitely different. She will always be my mother, but she will never be my MOM.

When I met DH, one of our first serious conversations was about adoption in the future. We haven't always been on the same page about what type of adoption we would pursue  but at this point in time we are both open to growing our family through domestic infant or foster care adoption. I realize that this is not the case for every woman, but knowing that I *will* be a mother one day brings me comfort on the days where I struggle with feelings of fear and doubt with infertility. 

I am always open to answering questions about adoption- I'm an open book when it comes to my journey.