We've started our estrogen priming for our upcoming IVF cycle.
Estrace 2 pills daily up through Christmas, and then adding in Provera at night alongside the estrace until New Years.
Then we wait for AF and start stimming.
We're taking things low and slow this time, and they've told me to be prepared for 16 or so days of stimming so that we don't lose control of my follies again.
Not much to update. It's just a holding pattern right now
Monday, December 15, 2014
Sunday, December 7, 2014
Escape from Santa's Secret Sweatshop
I swear I'm still here and I'm still alive everyone! I've just been crazy busy with work (it's our busy season) and with some of the community organizations I'm involved in (it's their busy season as well).
And of course, to top it all off, I've been trapped in Santa's Secret Sweatshop damn near every moment I'm not at work or doing stuff for my organizations.
Chances are, if you're reading this blog you'll know two things
1) Infertility is freaking expensive
2) I have several pinterest boards dedicated to crafting things for my loved ones.
So since I have a distinct lack of money right now (#1) and tons of inspiration (#2) it's going to be a crafty Christmas up in the Dreaming household. I've been working on gifts for a few months now, but I needed something quick and easy for hostesses gifts for the million parties I'm going to, and for my coworkers.
Enter the SUGAR SCRUB. It was quick, it was easy, and I must say it is FANTASTIC. And cheap. Especially if you have access to used jars. I used ball jars for mine, but I've seen people upcycle the cute little starbucks frappuccino bottles and it's adorable.
The best thing about the sugar scrub- you can make it in bulk (see the very end of the post) and it ended up costing me roughly $2 per container when all was said and done. That sure as hell beats $8+ each for EXACTLY THE SAME THING from Bath and Body Works.
So without further ado (and I apologize for the messy pic)
Ingredients- will make three pint jars each
6 cups granulated sugar
2/3 cup coconut oil
Peppermint essential oil
Red food coloring
You'll want to use two mixing bowls- I used glass for easy clean up with the oil. Divide the sugar between the two mixing bowls.
Heat up your coconut oil- I microwaved mine in short bursts until it was liquid. While the coconut oil is heating, add 2 drops of red food coloring and 2 dropper fulls of peppermint essential oil (adjust per your preference) to the measuring cup. Once the coconut oil is melted, measure out 1/3 cup into the measuring cup with the peppermint EO and food coloring. Use a fork to mix.
Add the oil mix to one of the bowls of sugar, mixing until it has a soft consistency. You may need to add more sugar to get your desired texture. Play around with it. It's not rocket science.
Repeat the above steps with a second 1/3 cup of coconut oil, omitting the food coloring and mix with the second bowl of sugar.
Now, you'll need to fashion a wide-mouth funnel out of something. I used a coffee filter that is pointed at the bottom. I cut the point off about 1" up from the bottom. A standard household funnel will not work, as the sugar-oil mixture is too thick to pass through.
Now, begin layering the two colors of sugar scrub into the containers, tapping the container on the counter to even it out (or not, if you're going for that sand sculpture look). I did 1/2 cup at a time for mine, so 4 layers each.
Once the containers are full, put the top back on, add a printable label and dress it up with ribbons and scrapbook paper. Clearly I haven't gotten to that point yet. This elf is on her union break.
To use:
Once a week (or more if necessary) use a spoon to scoop out a heaping tablespoon, and apply to dry skin. Massage in circles for a few minutes before your shower or bath. Rinse remainder off in the bath. Do be careful- since there's oil, you'll be quite slick.
To note:
Because there is oil in this, you do run the risk of it going rancid. Instruct the recipients to only use a clean spoon (NOT HANDS) to scoop out the sugar, and suggest that they do NOT keep it in the tub- water getting into the mix is the number one cause of sugar scrub going rancid. If they follow these instructions and keep a good air-tight seal on it, it should last 2-3 months.
If you want to further protect your sugar scrub from going bad early, I would suggest adding some Vitamin E oil (you can just buy vitamin e capsules and split them open) and sea salt to the mix. I haven't done this myself, but based on recipes I see online I would suggest 1 tablespoon of vitamin e oil per 1/3 cup of coconut oil. I'm not sure on the measurement for the sea salt (I'd have to do more research).
I've also seen suggestions to add Tea Tree oil. Not only is it great for acne-prone skin, but it also has antimicrobial properties. If you go this route, reduce the amount of scented essential oils you add, and substitute in 10 drops per 1/3 cup coconut oil.
If you're REALLY afraid of germs, you can also add Liquid Germall Plus- it's what people who craft for a living use to preserve their scrubs. I have NO clue how much you would add. So do your research.
As promised, here is the shopping list if you would like to make it in bulk. You WILL have some raw material left over (especially the coconut oil, but that's never a bad thing in my house). I made 24 jars, and it took less than 1 hour total.
20lb sugar. $8.50 at Target
Nature's Way Coconut Oil 32oz Container- $17.24 on Amazon. I only used 2/3 of the jar.
Essential Oil- .5oz container. I got mine at Michaels with a 40% off coupon for $2.68 after discount
Food coloring- $1
Ball Jars- 2 dozen. I paid $17.46 after tax with my Red Card discount.
Total cost- $46.68
So even if you don't take into account the savings of overage with the sugar and coconut oil, you're looking at cost per gift of $1.95. Maybe $2.50-$2.75 if you add preservatives and buy a bunch of expensive ribbons to dress it up. If you use upcycled jars, the cost drops to $1.22 each
And of course, to top it all off, I've been trapped in Santa's Secret Sweatshop damn near every moment I'm not at work or doing stuff for my organizations.
Chances are, if you're reading this blog you'll know two things
1) Infertility is freaking expensive
2) I have several pinterest boards dedicated to crafting things for my loved ones.
So since I have a distinct lack of money right now (#1) and tons of inspiration (#2) it's going to be a crafty Christmas up in the Dreaming household. I've been working on gifts for a few months now, but I needed something quick and easy for hostesses gifts for the million parties I'm going to, and for my coworkers.
Enter the SUGAR SCRUB. It was quick, it was easy, and I must say it is FANTASTIC. And cheap. Especially if you have access to used jars. I used ball jars for mine, but I've seen people upcycle the cute little starbucks frappuccino bottles and it's adorable.
The best thing about the sugar scrub- you can make it in bulk (see the very end of the post) and it ended up costing me roughly $2 per container when all was said and done. That sure as hell beats $8+ each for EXACTLY THE SAME THING from Bath and Body Works.
So without further ado (and I apologize for the messy pic)
Candy Cane Sugar Scrub
Ingredients- will make three pint jars each
6 cups granulated sugar
2/3 cup coconut oil
Peppermint essential oil
Red food coloring
You'll want to use two mixing bowls- I used glass for easy clean up with the oil. Divide the sugar between the two mixing bowls.
Heat up your coconut oil- I microwaved mine in short bursts until it was liquid. While the coconut oil is heating, add 2 drops of red food coloring and 2 dropper fulls of peppermint essential oil (adjust per your preference) to the measuring cup. Once the coconut oil is melted, measure out 1/3 cup into the measuring cup with the peppermint EO and food coloring. Use a fork to mix.
Add the oil mix to one of the bowls of sugar, mixing until it has a soft consistency. You may need to add more sugar to get your desired texture. Play around with it. It's not rocket science.
Repeat the above steps with a second 1/3 cup of coconut oil, omitting the food coloring and mix with the second bowl of sugar.
Now, you'll need to fashion a wide-mouth funnel out of something. I used a coffee filter that is pointed at the bottom. I cut the point off about 1" up from the bottom. A standard household funnel will not work, as the sugar-oil mixture is too thick to pass through.
Now, begin layering the two colors of sugar scrub into the containers, tapping the container on the counter to even it out (or not, if you're going for that sand sculpture look). I did 1/2 cup at a time for mine, so 4 layers each.
Once the containers are full, put the top back on, add a printable label and dress it up with ribbons and scrapbook paper. Clearly I haven't gotten to that point yet. This elf is on her union break.
To use:
Once a week (or more if necessary) use a spoon to scoop out a heaping tablespoon, and apply to dry skin. Massage in circles for a few minutes before your shower or bath. Rinse remainder off in the bath. Do be careful- since there's oil, you'll be quite slick.
To note:
Because there is oil in this, you do run the risk of it going rancid. Instruct the recipients to only use a clean spoon (NOT HANDS) to scoop out the sugar, and suggest that they do NOT keep it in the tub- water getting into the mix is the number one cause of sugar scrub going rancid. If they follow these instructions and keep a good air-tight seal on it, it should last 2-3 months.
If you want to further protect your sugar scrub from going bad early, I would suggest adding some Vitamin E oil (you can just buy vitamin e capsules and split them open) and sea salt to the mix. I haven't done this myself, but based on recipes I see online I would suggest 1 tablespoon of vitamin e oil per 1/3 cup of coconut oil. I'm not sure on the measurement for the sea salt (I'd have to do more research).
I've also seen suggestions to add Tea Tree oil. Not only is it great for acne-prone skin, but it also has antimicrobial properties. If you go this route, reduce the amount of scented essential oils you add, and substitute in 10 drops per 1/3 cup coconut oil.
If you're REALLY afraid of germs, you can also add Liquid Germall Plus- it's what people who craft for a living use to preserve their scrubs. I have NO clue how much you would add. So do your research.
Make it in bulk and save
As promised, here is the shopping list if you would like to make it in bulk. You WILL have some raw material left over (especially the coconut oil, but that's never a bad thing in my house). I made 24 jars, and it took less than 1 hour total.
20lb sugar. $8.50 at Target
Nature's Way Coconut Oil 32oz Container- $17.24 on Amazon. I only used 2/3 of the jar.
Essential Oil- .5oz container. I got mine at Michaels with a 40% off coupon for $2.68 after discount
Food coloring- $1
Ball Jars- 2 dozen. I paid $17.46 after tax with my Red Card discount.
Total cost- $46.68
So even if you don't take into account the savings of overage with the sugar and coconut oil, you're looking at cost per gift of $1.95. Maybe $2.50-$2.75 if you add preservatives and buy a bunch of expensive ribbons to dress it up. If you use upcycled jars, the cost drops to $1.22 each
Monday, November 17, 2014
Something that looks a little like hope
So I gave myself permission to get really angry for a few days, and now, we're looking toward the new year with renewed hope.
I had lost all faith in my doctor. A call on Friday changed that.
He has a plan. He has hope. He thinks that with a few medication adjustments and some prepping that we'll be good to go come January.
Changes now:
1) adding in 600mg of CoQ10 a day
2) adding in additional Vitamin D
3) adding in baby asprin now
4) starting metformin. Today I bumped up to 1000mg. Saturday I bump up to 1500mg.
Changes for my cycle:
1) no birth control pills. The doc things that it over-suppresed my ovaries and that's why it took so long for them to respond.
2) Starting at a low (100-125IU) dose of Follistim + 75IU of Menopur- and staying there. He really thinks that if we wouldn't have upped my dose multiple times that we would have gotten there
3) more frequent blood draws. There was no reason to go 4 days between draws last cycle, and knowing what was going on may have helped us better gauge my dose.
So now we wait for my period to show up. Dr. Awesome thinks that it will be here this week. I am not expecting it to show up (if at all) until after Thanksgiving. Either way we're going to have an appointment the first week of December to check to see if my ovaries are back to normal. If they are, we'll get a date on the calendar to have my baseline and hopefully we'll start stabbing again in early January.
This isn't how I expected to spend my holiday season- I was hoping we'd have much to give thanks for this year... but all things in good time. Until then I'm focusing on getting back to being well both physically and mentally, and even though we're approaching the holidays I'm hoping to lose another 15 pounds before our cycle... I've got motivation and I can't wait to see what happens!
I had lost all faith in my doctor. A call on Friday changed that.
He has a plan. He has hope. He thinks that with a few medication adjustments and some prepping that we'll be good to go come January.
Changes now:
1) adding in 600mg of CoQ10 a day
2) adding in additional Vitamin D
3) adding in baby asprin now
4) starting metformin. Today I bumped up to 1000mg. Saturday I bump up to 1500mg.
Changes for my cycle:
1) no birth control pills. The doc things that it over-suppresed my ovaries and that's why it took so long for them to respond.
2) Starting at a low (100-125IU) dose of Follistim + 75IU of Menopur- and staying there. He really thinks that if we wouldn't have upped my dose multiple times that we would have gotten there
3) more frequent blood draws. There was no reason to go 4 days between draws last cycle, and knowing what was going on may have helped us better gauge my dose.
 |
| Oh the shit we do to get pregnant... |
This isn't how I expected to spend my holiday season- I was hoping we'd have much to give thanks for this year... but all things in good time. Until then I'm focusing on getting back to being well both physically and mentally, and even though we're approaching the holidays I'm hoping to lose another 15 pounds before our cycle... I've got motivation and I can't wait to see what happens!
Thursday, November 13, 2014
Quiet now, endure the tremor of a hope that's growing deep inside
Sometimes, the lyrics of a song can express my emotions so much more adequately than my words ever would.
Today is one of those days. Take a listen to the song New Earth by Zerbin
Today is one of those days. Take a listen to the song New Earth by Zerbin
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Fuck yeah, we're back in business!
FUCK YEAH! WE'RE BACK IN BUSINESS!!!!!!!
I'm a *wee* bit excited
Estrogen is down to 2900.
So the plan is:
1) 100 units of follistim and 1 vial of menopur tonight
2) ganirelix in the morning, blood draw tomorrow morning
3) Pending blood work results, 100+75 again on Thursday
4) ultrasound + bloodwork on Friday, and as long as my estrogen stays in check, we'll either be triggering on Friday or Saturday for a Sunday or Monday egg retrieval. egg retrieval sometime Sunday or Monday.
I'm just praying I have enough good eggs to make this happen!
I'm a *wee* bit excited
Estrogen is down to 2900.
So the plan is:
1) 100 units of follistim and 1 vial of menopur tonight
2) ganirelix in the morning, blood draw tomorrow morning
3) Pending blood work results, 100+75 again on Thursday
4) ultrasound + bloodwork on Friday, and as long as my estrogen stays in check, we'll either be triggering on Friday or Saturday for a Sunday or Monday egg retrieval. egg retrieval sometime Sunday or Monday.
I'm just praying I have enough good eggs to make this happen!
Cancelled. Maybe. Or not. Who knows
So Monday was the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.
45 follies around 10mm.
And then my E2's spiked- from 715 on Saturday to 3200 on Monday.
My RE called and told me he wanted to cancel my cycle.
I gave in, I gave up. And then a dear internet friend of mine (Hey MaitaiBeth!) told me to call him back and fight to coast.
So I called back. He told me it was useless with follies this small. I told him I'd rather try and fail then not try at all.
So he agreed to let me coast for 48 hours on ganirelix.
Just got back from my scan. 3 follies at 16, 5 more at 14/15, and a handful more in the 12-13 range. And of course too numerous to count still hanging out at 10mm.
So now I wait for my bloodwork. If my E2s have stayed below 4500 or so, he's going to let me keep going this cycle. If they spiked, I'm benched until January at the very least.
I want off this rollercoaster
45 follies around 10mm.
And then my E2's spiked- from 715 on Saturday to 3200 on Monday.
My RE called and told me he wanted to cancel my cycle.
I gave in, I gave up. And then a dear internet friend of mine (Hey MaitaiBeth!) told me to call him back and fight to coast.
So I called back. He told me it was useless with follies this small. I told him I'd rather try and fail then not try at all.
So he agreed to let me coast for 48 hours on ganirelix.
Just got back from my scan. 3 follies at 16, 5 more at 14/15, and a handful more in the 12-13 range. And of course too numerous to count still hanging out at 10mm.
So now I wait for my bloodwork. If my E2s have stayed below 4500 or so, he's going to let me keep going this cycle. If they spiked, I'm benched until January at the very least.
I want off this rollercoaster
Monday, November 10, 2014
Now I know how the chicken feels...
Had my scan this morning
45 follies between 10mm and 13mm.
Oh, and the sonographer mentioned there are probably more that she can't count.
Since they're growing slow our ER and ET have been pushed back a few days, but I'm thinking it will probably happen this weekend.
I'm also still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that I potentially have 45 follies in play.
I'm just waiting on a response from my clinic to see if we're adding in the ganirelix tomorrow
45 follies between 10mm and 13mm.
Oh, and the sonographer mentioned there are probably more that she can't count.
Since they're growing slow our ER and ET have been pushed back a few days, but I'm thinking it will probably happen this weekend.
I'm also still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that I potentially have 45 follies in play.
I'm just waiting on a response from my clinic to see if we're adding in the ganirelix tomorrow
The Dreaded 2WW
So before IVF started, I did a lot of googling, and I came across an amazing blog called With Great Expectation. She had an AWESOME timeline of what happens each day post transfer. I've adapted it a bit, since I'm doing a 2 day transfer.
DPT= Days Past Transfer
1DPT: Embryo is growing and developing
DPT= Days Past Transfer
1DPT: Embryo is growing and developing
2DPT: Embryo is growing and developing
3DPT: Embryo is now a blastocyst
4DPT: Blastocyst hatches out of shell
5DPT: Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
6 DPT: Implantation begins as the blastocyst begins to bury into the lining
7DPT: Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper into lining
8 DPT: Morula is completed implanted in the lining and has placenta cells and fetal cells
9DPT: Placenta cells begin to secrete HCG into the blood
10DPT: More HCG is produced as the fetus develops
11 DPT: More HCG is produced as the fetus develops
12 DPT: HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on a pregnancy test*
*12DPT= 14 DPO, which is when most doctors schedule a beta. However, I plan on testing out the trigger and will probably test starting around 10DPT (12dpo)
It's so cool that I'll know exactly what's going on each day though. We're still on track for an estimated retrieval of 11/13... it's so close!
It's so cool that I'll know exactly what's going on each day though. We're still on track for an estimated retrieval of 11/13... it's so close!
Sunday, November 9, 2014
I've officially lost it- I bought shit catchers
**** TRIGGER WARNING****
*** Pictures of baby purchases below***
Don't read if you're having a rough IF day
I warned you
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I am now the proud owner of 7 no-brand shit catchers.
I don't know why I do this to myself.
I just hope that we have a tiny butt to put in all the fluff next year...
If not, I guess I can resell them on eBay. I got them for a steal- 7 pockets for $19.50 including shipping.
*** Pictures of baby purchases below***
Don't read if you're having a rough IF day
I warned you
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I am now the proud owner of 7 no-brand shit catchers.
I don't know why I do this to myself.
I just hope that we have a tiny butt to put in all the fluff next year...
If not, I guess I can resell them on eBay. I got them for a steal- 7 pockets for $19.50 including shipping.
Friday, November 7, 2014
Exhaustion
I forgot how exhausting these meds are. Not just the process of getting everything ready to inject... but the side effects as well.
I can barely stay up past 9:00 most nights. Which means I'm failing at my volunteer obligations, my social life, and my job.
It's a struggle for me to function after 7PM. My husband, bless him, has been driving me to/from work so that I'm safe. He's been driving me several hours each weekend to visit the students I advise. He's been running all of our errands, doing all of our housework, and cooking me dinner every night.
I love this man.
I hate what IF has done to me.
I can barely stay up past 9:00 most nights. Which means I'm failing at my volunteer obligations, my social life, and my job.
It's a struggle for me to function after 7PM. My husband, bless him, has been driving me to/from work so that I'm safe. He's been driving me several hours each weekend to visit the students I advise. He's been running all of our errands, doing all of our housework, and cooking me dinner every night.
I love this man.
I hate what IF has done to me.
Thursday, November 6, 2014
A whole lotta nothing going on
Went in for my scan today.
Biggest follie was 7.5mm
So they're doing what I suggested in the first place- upping my follistm dosage to 175 and keeping my menopur at 75.
About fucking time.
Biggest follie was 7.5mm
So they're doing what I suggested in the first place- upping my follistm dosage to 175 and keeping my menopur at 75.
About fucking time.
Full of shit
Clearly I missed the memo that these meds will BACK YOU UP hardcore.
I haven't pooped in DAYS. I almost wish I still had my period shits. Because now it's like trying to shit a brick.
And I know the painkillers for ER and ET will only stop me up more.
Perhaps I should be starting the colace now... :(
I haven't pooped in DAYS. I almost wish I still had my period shits. Because now it's like trying to shit a brick.
And I know the painkillers for ER and ET will only stop me up more.
Perhaps I should be starting the colace now... :(
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
Little Rituals
Even for those of us who aren't superstitious, we find ourselves participating in little rituals every day of our cycle. It's the one way to control something that is truly out of our control.
Right now, I have my evening stims ritual. It goes like this.
Put "Haven't Met You Yet" (Michael Buble) on repeat on my phone
Clean my IVF table
Lay out all of my drugs for the night
Wash my hands
Mix my menopur
Inject my menopur
Inject my follistim
Clean up my IVF table
Lay down for 20 minutes and listen to my IVF playlist while I focus on my ovaries
I can't meditate. I've tried. Lord knows I've tried. My brain just can't get that quiet. But I've made a playlist (below) of upbeat music, and I've made a conscious effort to lay down every night and spend some time visualizing my ovaries, visualizing my eggs growing (lots of eggs) and visualizing my body working to eliminate side effects of the drugs.
My Playlist:
Right now, I have my evening stims ritual. It goes like this.
Put "Haven't Met You Yet" (Michael Buble) on repeat on my phone
Clean my IVF table
Lay out all of my drugs for the night
Wash my hands
Mix my menopur
Inject my menopur
Inject my follistim
Clean up my IVF table
Lay down for 20 minutes and listen to my IVF playlist while I focus on my ovaries
I can't meditate. I've tried. Lord knows I've tried. My brain just can't get that quiet. But I've made a playlist (below) of upbeat music, and I've made a conscious effort to lay down every night and spend some time visualizing my ovaries, visualizing my eggs growing (lots of eggs) and visualizing my body working to eliminate side effects of the drugs.
My Playlist:
Ain't No Mountain High Enough- Marvin Gaye version
Beautiful Day- U2
A Beautiful Morning- The Rascals
Best Day of My Life- American Authors
The Best is Yet to Come- Matt Dusk version
Bless the Broken Road- Rascal Flatts
The Climb- Miley Cyrus
Don't Stop Believing
Haven't Met You Yet- Michael Buble
I will Wait- Mumford and Sons
I won't give up- Jason Mraz
Laughed until we cried- Jason Aldean
Let it Go- Frozen
No Less than a Woman- Lady Saw
Pompeii- Bastille
Rainbow Connection- Kermit the Frog
Roar- Katy Perry
Shake it Off- Taylor Swift
Somewhere Over the Rainbow- IZ
Unwritten- Natasha Bedingfield
Waiting on the World to Change- John Mayer
Wake Me Up- Avicii
What is Love- Janelle Monae
You've got a Friend in Me- Toy Story
Don't Worry, Be Happy- Bobby McFerrin
Here Comes the Sun- The Beatles
Beautiful Day- U2
A Beautiful Morning- The Rascals
Best Day of My Life- American Authors
The Best is Yet to Come- Matt Dusk version
Bless the Broken Road- Rascal Flatts
The Climb- Miley Cyrus
Don't Stop Believing
Haven't Met You Yet- Michael Buble
I will Wait- Mumford and Sons
I won't give up- Jason Mraz
Laughed until we cried- Jason Aldean
Let it Go- Frozen
No Less than a Woman- Lady Saw
Pompeii- Bastille
Rainbow Connection- Kermit the Frog
Roar- Katy Perry
Shake it Off- Taylor Swift
Somewhere Over the Rainbow- IZ
Unwritten- Natasha Bedingfield
Waiting on the World to Change- John Mayer
Wake Me Up- Avicii
What is Love- Janelle Monae
You've got a Friend in Me- Toy Story
Don't Worry, Be Happy- Bobby McFerrin
Here Comes the Sun- The Beatles
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
CD 4 Report
Well here we are- CD 4, and day 4 of stims.
As of my monday morning (CD3) scan I had 30+ follicles all < 8mm. A mature egg is anywhere from 20-25mm, so my follicles have a LONG way to go. But this isn't uncommon for me. This has happened every single cycle so far on injects. I'll have a whole lot of nothing, and then BAM, eggs everywhere.
So I'm trying to be patient, and resisting the urge to bump my medication dosage up myself. I have to be better at trusting my doctor. But I know on past cycles my body didn't do jack shit until I hit 225 IU of follistim, so I don't know why they're convinced that this 100+75 is going to work out for me.
Next scan is Thursday morning.
As of my monday morning (CD3) scan I had 30+ follicles all < 8mm. A mature egg is anywhere from 20-25mm, so my follicles have a LONG way to go. But this isn't uncommon for me. This has happened every single cycle so far on injects. I'll have a whole lot of nothing, and then BAM, eggs everywhere.
So I'm trying to be patient, and resisting the urge to bump my medication dosage up myself. I have to be better at trusting my doctor. But I know on past cycles my body didn't do jack shit until I hit 225 IU of follistim, so I don't know why they're convinced that this 100+75 is going to work out for me.
Next scan is Thursday morning.
Monday, November 3, 2014
Cooking for 3
Every IF blog that I've read recommends meal-prepping so that you don't have to worry about cooking after ER (egg retrieval). And since have a history of OHSS, I wanted to be doubly sure that I had nutritious and delicious meals ready to go for the first week of the 2WW.
OHSS (ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome) happens when your body responds *too well* to the drugs. It results in your body basically being unable to keep water in your cells- leading to dehydration and fluid build up in the abdominal cavity. In rare cases it can kill you.
Most doctors suggest a high protein, high salt diet combined with electrolyte replacement fluids instead of water. Many people use either Gatorade or Coconut Water as their fluid replacement. I will be going with coconut water this time around. Since high protein, high salt diets also help, I decided that my meal focus would be on high-protein soups with a decent salty punch. I don't even LIKE beans, but for the purpose of not ending up in the hospital, I've decided to give them a good try.
So Sunday afternoon I spent some time prepping a bunch of REALLY delicious looking food from pinterest. Since I haven't cooked anything yet, and since I know I won't have time to properly plate and photograph my meals, I'm just going to link photos and recipes from the sources below.
All in all, it was about 3 hours of prep time in my kitchen, and my grocery receipts totaled just under $64 for the ingredients for all 8 meals! And if they're anything like our last batch of crock pot meals, each bag will cover dinner for 2 evenings PLUS a couple of lunches.
Or one evening of dinner of the hubs has seconds... or thirds... or fourths like a couple of my last meals!
Dinner #1- Coconut Curry Chicken
OHSS (ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome) happens when your body responds *too well* to the drugs. It results in your body basically being unable to keep water in your cells- leading to dehydration and fluid build up in the abdominal cavity. In rare cases it can kill you.
Most doctors suggest a high protein, high salt diet combined with electrolyte replacement fluids instead of water. Many people use either Gatorade or Coconut Water as their fluid replacement. I will be going with coconut water this time around. Since high protein, high salt diets also help, I decided that my meal focus would be on high-protein soups with a decent salty punch. I don't even LIKE beans, but for the purpose of not ending up in the hospital, I've decided to give them a good try.
So Sunday afternoon I spent some time prepping a bunch of REALLY delicious looking food from pinterest. Since I haven't cooked anything yet, and since I know I won't have time to properly plate and photograph my meals, I'm just going to link photos and recipes from the sources below.
All in all, it was about 3 hours of prep time in my kitchen, and my grocery receipts totaled just under $64 for the ingredients for all 8 meals! And if they're anything like our last batch of crock pot meals, each bag will cover dinner for 2 evenings PLUS a couple of lunches.
Or one evening of dinner of the hubs has seconds... or thirds... or fourths like a couple of my last meals!
Dinner #1- Coconut Curry Chicken
Dinner #2 Moroccan Lentil Stew
Dinner #3: Lentil Vegetable Barley Soup
Dinner #4: Barley-Vegetable Soup
Dinner # 5: Crock Pot Broccoli Cheese Soup
Dinner #6: Slow Cooker Lentil Vegetable Soup
Dinner #7: Creamy Black Bean Chicken Soup
Dinner #8: Crock Pot Cream Cheese Chicken Chili
Sunday, November 2, 2014
Someday I know it'll all turn out...
I promise you kid, I'll give so much more than I get....
I just haven't met you yet.
Saturday, November 1, 2014
It's like Christmas day for infertiles!
I am beyond ready to get this party started!
The anticipation of this afternoon is worse than the anticipation on Christmas eve for a little kid. For all the Catholics reading, it feels like I'm stuck at Midnight Mass right now... an endless midnight Mass!
We start our stims this evening. I'm BEYOND excited, even though my starting dose is relatively low.
100IU of follistim
We start our stims this evening. I'm BEYOND excited, even though my starting dose is relatively low.
100IU of follistim
75IU (1 vial) of menopur
I just took a good look at my needles for the first time, and it appears I don't actually have the injection needles for my menopur- just the fucking mixing needles (which I don't need!)
So hopefully I can get the proper injection needle (shorter- like 5/8 inch) vs this 1.5 inch monstrosity before I have to stab myself.
So hopefully I can get the proper injection needle (shorter- like 5/8 inch) vs this 1.5 inch monstrosity before I have to stab myself.
.... in 4 hours.
Let's get the party started everyone!
Let's get the party started everyone!
Thursday, October 30, 2014
DONE!
So.. I may have forgotten to take my last BCP (birth control pill- ironic, right) last night.
Birth control is used in many IVF cycles to "calm" the ovaries prior to the beginning of your cycle, as well as to time your IVF if your clinic batches women, or if you have commitments and need to start your cycle at a certain time. In a natural cycle, the ovaries mature 1 or 2 leading follicles out of all of the resting follicles. That's not what you want in IVF, so the birth control can suppress those leading follicles, resulting in 8, 10, or even in some cases 20-30 follicles maturing at the same rate so that you have a better selection of eggs to fertilize.
Our clinic is hoping that I make around 15 mature eggs this cycle. In a healthy couple (without male infertility) approximately 75% of eggs will fertilize. Since DH has poor sperm quality, we will be using ICSI, where they inject 1 sperm into each egg. Most clinics agree that fertilization rates are lower for ICSI, so we are hoping for somewhere near a 60% fertilization rate. If all goes perfectly according to plan, we will hopefully have somewhere between 3 and 5 viable embryos by the time we get to our transfer.
But things might not go according to plan. And I've just come to accept that it's out of my hands.
But things might not go according to plan. And I've just come to accept that it's out of my hands.
So we start our stims on Saturday. I'll be sure to get a good picture of my med haul... because it's quite impressive! We are supposed to do our injects between 6 and 8 PM every night. We have a football game on Saturday... so my first round is probably going to be a bit early.
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
My husband, the realist
A conversation over dinner
Me: Hon, we're gonna get pregnant!
Husband: No, you're going to get pregnant. I'm going to get yelled at...
Me: Hon, we're gonna get pregnant!
Husband: No, you're going to get pregnant. I'm going to get yelled at...
I've got a feeling....
Seriously though. I cannot even begin to count the number of people who have said "Naria, I just KNOW that this is your month."
And I can't shake that feeling either. Sure there are nerves and fear and anxiety... but there's also a deep peace. The calm before the storm. When I'm talking with DH, I refer to "the babies" already. It no longer feels like a way far off remote possibility, but rather it feels like this cycle will be the manifestation of the plans that the Lord has laid for us.
Anyone who knows me knows that I've been struggling with my faith in a big way since 2012 when I lost my father.
And yet, I have a deep sense of peace about this cycle. And one bible verse (I'm Catholic, so verses on their own are often meaningless to me) just keeps popping into my mind
This is it. Final BCP tonight and then stims on Saturday. And in 28 days we will SEE these plans come to fruition. It's not an if- it's a when.
And I'm so excited for that when!
And I'm so excited for that when!
Monday, October 27, 2014
And now, a rant about obesity and IVF
Last week my RE and I got into it over a new "study" that shows that women with high BMI's have a lower chance of conceiving via IVF.
The following is the long version of the BS that the RE and I went through:
So my RE called and left me a message 3 minutes before the office closed last night. I had the phone in my hand when I got the voicemail notification... but I don't remember the phone ever ringing. I may just be paranoid, but I'm starting to think he used a 3rd party service to bypass my phone ringing and go straight to voicemail so he could avoid talking to me last night. But I digress.
The voicemail was about a "new study" with donor oocytes showing there's a significant decrease in the success of IVF rates in patients with BMI >40. The message rambled for several minutes but the gist was "your BMI is 42-44, and puts you in a group that 's significantly less likely to achieve a live birth regarding this new study". He ended with "I'm sure you've got lots of questions, I'll be in the office all day tomorrow, give me a call."
So of course at 4:29 I call the office back and the phone is already off. FUCKERS. You know he was making those calls at the end of the day to hopefully avoid talking to me. What he forgot was several months ago he called me from his personal cell phone with a blocked number to leave a message for me on his day off. I have software on my phone that automatically forces a redial for blocked numbers and unmasks the block... so I knew I had his personal cell number. I figured it would come in handy one of these days. Yesterday was that day.
So I called him back... probably around 4:35 or so. Not obnoxiously late. He was BEEEEEEEEYOOOOOOOOOND pissed that I was calling for a non-emergency. But frankly if he wants to play dirty pool, so will I.
The conversation lasted about 10 minutes. It was a lot of "this new study just came out, it was with donor oocytes from "average weight" individuals so we know the egg quality wasn't compromised by a high BMI" and talks about how women with a BMI >40 had "something like a 60% lower chance of having a take-home baby at the end". And then he mentioned that he knew I had had "problems" with my weight, and highly encouraged me to think about cancelling my cycle until I lose some weight. He went into the details (that he remembered) of the study and went on and on about how women with a BMI >30 really aren't good candidates for IVF, and moving forward he will be refusing them as clients.
I told him we're not cancelling our cycle and that I'd see him next week.
So I got home, panicked, cried for about an hour straight, took my meds, and then sat down to research. Turns out the ASRM annual meeting was this week (Monday) and this "study" was presented by its authors. It's not been peer-reviewed, and it hasn't been published or replicated. And yet he decided it would be a good idea to call a bunch of patients and fat shame them over preliminary data.
I don't have the links to the full studies with me right now ( you can pull them from the ASRM website) but here is an excerpt from the press release from the conference:
"Often eggs from one donor are provided to different patients. Using records of fresh, shared donor cycles performed between 2004 and 2012 investigators from the National Institutes of Health (NIH) were able to examine cases where one donor’s eggs went to different patients and those women had different BMIs. Of the nearly 4,000 cycles examined, 63% of the recipient patients had a BMI of less than 25, 24% had a BMI of between 25-30, 8% were between 30-35 and 5% reported a BMI of greater than 35. A higher BMI was associated with a lower live birth rate. This difference persisted even when controlling for other factors such as age and number of embryos transferred. The impact was strongest in recipient patients with a BMI greater than 35, who showed a 21% lower live birth rate."
SOURCE
The part that really bothers me about the above is the bolded. The VAST MAJORITY of the sample was skewed toward an average/normal/healthy BMI, and only 5% of the sample (so roughly 200 women) had BMI's "greater than 35". So if we're talking a 5'6 woman, that minuscule part of the data subset could have ranged anywhere from 217lbs-300+lbs.
So of course, I've spent a bit of time researching studies that have actually been PUBLISHED regarding obesity and IVF in the year 2014 alone. Here are some of the highlights:
The Impact of Maternal Body mass Index on In Vitro Fertilization Outcomes
Alexandra Legge, Renda Bouzayen, Linda Hamilton, David Young
Objective: To examine the effect of body mass index on gonadotropin dose requirements for ovarian stimulation, as well as other clinical outcomes in women undergoing in vitro fertilization.
Results: There were no significant differences between the three BMI groups for any of the IVF cycle outcomes measured, including the total FSH dose required for ovarian stimulation. The likelihood of cycle cancellation, clinical pregnancy, and live birth were not significantly different between normal weight, overweight, and obese women.
SOURCE
Obesity is not associated with the poor pregnancy outcome following intracytoplasmic sperm injection in women with polycystic ovary syndrome
Funda Akpinar, et al
So honestly, I'm not that concerned. I'm more concerned that my doctor is apparently an idiot for basing this rash decision on an unpublished study.
The following is the long version of the BS that the RE and I went through:
So my RE called and left me a message 3 minutes before the office closed last night. I had the phone in my hand when I got the voicemail notification... but I don't remember the phone ever ringing. I may just be paranoid, but I'm starting to think he used a 3rd party service to bypass my phone ringing and go straight to voicemail so he could avoid talking to me last night. But I digress.
The voicemail was about a "new study" with donor oocytes showing there's a significant decrease in the success of IVF rates in patients with BMI >40. The message rambled for several minutes but the gist was "your BMI is 42-44, and puts you in a group that 's significantly less likely to achieve a live birth regarding this new study". He ended with "I'm sure you've got lots of questions, I'll be in the office all day tomorrow, give me a call."
So of course at 4:29 I call the office back and the phone is already off. FUCKERS. You know he was making those calls at the end of the day to hopefully avoid talking to me. What he forgot was several months ago he called me from his personal cell phone with a blocked number to leave a message for me on his day off. I have software on my phone that automatically forces a redial for blocked numbers and unmasks the block... so I knew I had his personal cell number. I figured it would come in handy one of these days. Yesterday was that day.
So I called him back... probably around 4:35 or so. Not obnoxiously late. He was BEEEEEEEEYOOOOOOOOOND pissed that I was calling for a non-emergency. But frankly if he wants to play dirty pool, so will I.
The conversation lasted about 10 minutes. It was a lot of "this new study just came out, it was with donor oocytes from "average weight" individuals so we know the egg quality wasn't compromised by a high BMI" and talks about how women with a BMI >40 had "something like a 60% lower chance of having a take-home baby at the end". And then he mentioned that he knew I had had "problems" with my weight, and highly encouraged me to think about cancelling my cycle until I lose some weight. He went into the details (that he remembered) of the study and went on and on about how women with a BMI >30 really aren't good candidates for IVF, and moving forward he will be refusing them as clients.
I told him we're not cancelling our cycle and that I'd see him next week.
So I got home, panicked, cried for about an hour straight, took my meds, and then sat down to research. Turns out the ASRM annual meeting was this week (Monday) and this "study" was presented by its authors. It's not been peer-reviewed, and it hasn't been published or replicated. And yet he decided it would be a good idea to call a bunch of patients and fat shame them over preliminary data.
I don't have the links to the full studies with me right now ( you can pull them from the ASRM website) but here is an excerpt from the press release from the conference:
"Often eggs from one donor are provided to different patients. Using records of fresh, shared donor cycles performed between 2004 and 2012 investigators from the National Institutes of Health (NIH) were able to examine cases where one donor’s eggs went to different patients and those women had different BMIs. Of the nearly 4,000 cycles examined, 63% of the recipient patients had a BMI of less than 25, 24% had a BMI of between 25-30, 8% were between 30-35 and 5% reported a BMI of greater than 35. A higher BMI was associated with a lower live birth rate. This difference persisted even when controlling for other factors such as age and number of embryos transferred. The impact was strongest in recipient patients with a BMI greater than 35, who showed a 21% lower live birth rate."
SOURCE
The part that really bothers me about the above is the bolded. The VAST MAJORITY of the sample was skewed toward an average/normal/healthy BMI, and only 5% of the sample (so roughly 200 women) had BMI's "greater than 35". So if we're talking a 5'6 woman, that minuscule part of the data subset could have ranged anywhere from 217lbs-300+lbs.
So of course, I've spent a bit of time researching studies that have actually been PUBLISHED regarding obesity and IVF in the year 2014 alone. Here are some of the highlights:
The Impact of Maternal Body mass Index on In Vitro Fertilization Outcomes
Alexandra Legge, Renda Bouzayen, Linda Hamilton, David Young
Objective: To examine the effect of body mass index on gonadotropin dose requirements for ovarian stimulation, as well as other clinical outcomes in women undergoing in vitro fertilization.
Results: There were no significant differences between the three BMI groups for any of the IVF cycle outcomes measured, including the total FSH dose required for ovarian stimulation. The likelihood of cycle cancellation, clinical pregnancy, and live birth were not significantly different between normal weight, overweight, and obese women.
SOURCE
Obesity is not associated with the poor pregnancy outcome following intracytoplasmic sperm injection in women with polycystic ovary syndrome
Funda Akpinar, et al
Objective
To determine if body mass index has an effect on the outcome of in vitro fertilization in patients with polycystic ovary syndrome undergoing controlled ovarian hyperstimulation.
Results
Total gonadotropin consumption increased, and the number of retrieved oocytes decreased as the body mass index increased. The implantation rate and clinical pregnancy rate were similar in all 3 groups. In response to the mid-luteal long protocol, the cycle cancellation rate was lower and the number of retrieved oocytes was higher in the overweight and obese groups, as compared to the antagonist protocol.
So honestly, I'm not that concerned. I'm more concerned that my doctor is apparently an idiot for basing this rash decision on an unpublished study.
We've got our schedule!
We finally have our schedule.
Stopping BCPs on Wednesday
Starting 100IU of Follistim + 75 of menopur on Saturday (PM shots)
Monitoring appointments set for M/W/F (11/3, 11/5, 11/7)
If I respond well to the starting dose (which is equivalent to 175 IU of follistim-only) the plan is set to tentatively trigger (lupron + novarel) on 11/11 and then retrieve on 11/13. The doctor would prefer a 2 day transfer (it's the most common transfer day at their clinic). So potentially transferring on 11/15.
Which would put us at beta-or-bust on Thanksgiving day. I'll probably cave and test at 10dp2DT (11/25).
Either way, unless my body decides not to play ball at all, we will know by THIS TIME NEXT MONTH if we are pregnant or not.
Holy shit. Triggering on 11/11. Time to make a wish :) I won't share what that wish is, but I'm pretty sure y'all can figure it out!
Stopping BCPs on Wednesday
Starting 100IU of Follistim + 75 of menopur on Saturday (PM shots)
Monitoring appointments set for M/W/F (11/3, 11/5, 11/7)
If I respond well to the starting dose (which is equivalent to 175 IU of follistim-only) the plan is set to tentatively trigger (lupron + novarel) on 11/11 and then retrieve on 11/13. The doctor would prefer a 2 day transfer (it's the most common transfer day at their clinic). So potentially transferring on 11/15.
Which would put us at beta-or-bust on Thanksgiving day. I'll probably cave and test at 10dp2DT (11/25).
Either way, unless my body decides not to play ball at all, we will know by THIS TIME NEXT MONTH if we are pregnant or not.
Holy shit. Triggering on 11/11. Time to make a wish :) I won't share what that wish is, but I'm pretty sure y'all can figure it out!
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
6 days!
Six days until my baseline scan.
I can't even begin to describe the anxiety that I'm dealing with. So much is riding on this cycle, and I'll admit blogging has been the furthest thing from my mind. I feel like there is still so much to deal with (including fixing an error with our FSA account we are using to partially fund this cycle) and I'm running out of time.
I have a conference this weekend that I'm not at all prepared for, and then BAM, Monday morning it all begins.
But by this time next month we should know if we're going to have a very Merry Christmas or a rather subdued holiday.
I can't even begin to describe the anxiety that I'm dealing with. So much is riding on this cycle, and I'll admit blogging has been the furthest thing from my mind. I feel like there is still so much to deal with (including fixing an error with our FSA account we are using to partially fund this cycle) and I'm running out of time.
I have a conference this weekend that I'm not at all prepared for, and then BAM, Monday morning it all begins.
But by this time next month we should know if we're going to have a very Merry Christmas or a rather subdued holiday.
Friday, October 10, 2014
Self-Care Friday
I wanted to focus today on Self-care at the place we all spend the most time- our offices.
You see this is the busiest time of the year for me- it's not uncommon for me to work 15-18 hour days between now and mid-December. It's just one of those things that happen.
So in addition to my hourly walking around the department/stretch break, and ensuring that I'm guzzling water like it's my job, I'm also making sure to take time to relax and read. We're encouraged to keep up with growth in our field, so I have a book case of professional development books just waiting for me! Every 3 hours during the day, I take a 15 minute reading break. I've got a reading nook (which is also where I conduct my video conference calls) as well as my tea nook.
I grew up "doing tea". It's a huge tradition in my family. So when I got the closed door office, one of the first things I did was set up a proper place to have tea. I've made a TON of friends from other departments when they discovered my delicious tea stash and I often have visitors stop to have a cup of tea. I don't mind it. I tend to be a "keep to myself" person at work so it gives me an opportunity to met people from other departments.
Sorry about some of the mess and cropping. I tried to make sure I hid anything that alluded to my employer!
The Reading/Conversating Nook:
I have a new spider plant I need to bring in and hang, and my succulent and orchid both need repotting
My Tea Nook
I'm slightly obsessed with Disney.
The stuffies were gifts from my nieces and nephews
Close up of the Tea Nook
I have 5 flavors of Harney and Sons teas to suit my mood
I also keep both sugar and artificial sweeteners in the office
The little yellow duck is my loose leaf tea infuser- isn't he sweet!
I've failed at self-care the past few years, so these were just two steps I knew I could take with my new office to ensure I treat myself better at work. It is the responsibility of the employee to pay for any decor that you don't "inherit" from the last occupant. Since I'm broke as a joke, I wanted to keep it thrifty.
1) The fabric "runner" on the chair, side table and the tea nook was a total of 1 yard of fabric from Hobby Lobby. With my coupon it cost a total of $1.59. I used mailing tape to affix it to the cabinet.
2) That gorgeous chair? $15 on craigslist.
2) That gorgeous chair? $15 on craigslist.
3) The side table- free from the curb. I have no shame. It's got some scuffs up top, but could easily be sanded and repainted at a later time
4) Floor lamp- $10 at Target
5) The framed art was all inherited from the last occupant except for the Disney poster. The poster was free (Travel agent perk) and the frame was $8 at Wal-mart
I also have a desk lamp ($5 thrift find with $10 shade), a book case ($15 craigslist) and some other frames from home (probably $30 total)
So I was able to make my office one of the most inviting and comfortable at this organization for less than $100. And I'll be taking most of it with me when I move to my next job.
So I was able to make my office one of the most inviting and comfortable at this organization for less than $100. And I'll be taking most of it with me when I move to my next job.
I highly recommend doing whatever you can to make your space yours within what is culturally acceptable at your organization.
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
It's like I can't focus
I'm worse than a kid on Christmas eve
Or someone in a room of puppies
I've got the period poops (and my customary yeast infection) that signals the onset of my period... and yet AF won't show up.
My IVF meds are all ordered (or donated- THANK YOU!) and the hubby is putting the finishing touches on a couple of remodeling projects.
13 days
13... freaking days.... until we start stims
This time next month I could very well have my BFP. This time next month I could very well be PUPO (That's pregnant unless proven otherwise).
Next month.
NEXT MONTH
Next month is the month that I WILL become a mother. Next month is when the last 36 months of tears, heartbreak, loss, and frustration will all be worth it.
And I can't wait.
I can't wait for this time next year. Optimistic me may have bought a few things at Disney for Future Fetus Dreamer. I may have spent our trip dreaming about taking the baby(ies) to Disney for their first time next fall- in the magical time between Halloween and Christmas at Disney. It would be the very end of my Maternity leave, and it would be perfect!
The cart at this point is about 10 miles up the road from the horse. Shit, at this point we haven't even BOUGHT the horse yet, but the cart is there. That's how optimistic I'm remaining.
This is the single most stressful time at work. I'm combating it by making sure I take long walks around the office every 45 minutes, scheduling time on my breaks to meditate, and I have an AWESOME tea nook set up in my office. I'll have to snag a picture of it. It's fantastic.
Or someone in a room of puppies
I've got the period poops (and my customary yeast infection) that signals the onset of my period... and yet AF won't show up.
My IVF meds are all ordered (or donated- THANK YOU!) and the hubby is putting the finishing touches on a couple of remodeling projects.
13 days
13... freaking days.... until we start stims
This time next month I could very well have my BFP. This time next month I could very well be PUPO (That's pregnant unless proven otherwise).
Next month.
NEXT MONTH
Next month is the month that I WILL become a mother. Next month is when the last 36 months of tears, heartbreak, loss, and frustration will all be worth it.
And I can't wait.
I can't wait for this time next year. Optimistic me may have bought a few things at Disney for Future Fetus Dreamer. I may have spent our trip dreaming about taking the baby(ies) to Disney for their first time next fall- in the magical time between Halloween and Christmas at Disney. It would be the very end of my Maternity leave, and it would be perfect!
The cart at this point is about 10 miles up the road from the horse. Shit, at this point we haven't even BOUGHT the horse yet, but the cart is there. That's how optimistic I'm remaining.
This is the single most stressful time at work. I'm combating it by making sure I take long walks around the office every 45 minutes, scheduling time on my breaks to meditate, and I have an AWESOME tea nook set up in my office. I'll have to snag a picture of it. It's fantastic.
Sunday, September 21, 2014
SURPRISE- less than 30 days left of birth control
So my consult went... amazingly well.
I figured I'd be on BC until early November, with a late Nov ER/ET
Nope. SURPRISE. We're coming off the BCPs on 10/20 with a potential retrieval the 1st week of November.
I'm officially freaking out.
I am SO SO SO grateful to a couple of women who have sent me "care packages" that will help reduce some of my medication OOP costs. Because when I got my medication list, I realized that I would be needing a TON of meds.
Menopur: $850
Follistim: $1400
Ganirelix: $650
Lupron: $100
Novarel: $90
Progesterone in Oil: $50
And then of course there's the antibiotics, steroids, pain killers, and potentially lovenox.
So close to $3200 all in all. But thanks to the generosity of some friends, it's looking like I'm going to only be paying $850 or so for my medications! Praise God for amazing people!
I'm honestly still in a whirlwind of emotions. It doesn't feel real, I'm terrified it won't work, but I'm going to have faith that this will be our take home baby.
I figured I'd be on BC until early November, with a late Nov ER/ET
Nope. SURPRISE. We're coming off the BCPs on 10/20 with a potential retrieval the 1st week of November.
I'm officially freaking out.
I am SO SO SO grateful to a couple of women who have sent me "care packages" that will help reduce some of my medication OOP costs. Because when I got my medication list, I realized that I would be needing a TON of meds.
Menopur: $850
Follistim: $1400
Ganirelix: $650
Lupron: $100
Novarel: $90
Progesterone in Oil: $50
And then of course there's the antibiotics, steroids, pain killers, and potentially lovenox.
So close to $3200 all in all. But thanks to the generosity of some friends, it's looking like I'm going to only be paying $850 or so for my medications! Praise God for amazing people!
I'm honestly still in a whirlwind of emotions. It doesn't feel real, I'm terrified it won't work, but I'm going to have faith that this will be our take home baby.
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Double or Nothing
So by now I'm pretty sure you've all realized I like statistics. I like manipulating numbers. They bring me a sense of calm.
So I crunched the SART data for my clinic (again). Our Doc says that for our case in particular he thinks we have somewhere between a 50-60% chance of success on our first cycle.
And then I looked at the data for multiples. And my heart skipped a beat. My clinic has a slightly (every so slightly) higher than average rate of twins. Luckily their rate for HOM is lower than the national average.
I just can't shake this feeling that my body is going to offer me double or nothing.
I'm still obese. I'm down 20 pounds (YAY) but in an ideal world I'd probably still be 80 pounds lighter than I am right now. And I know that the risk is VERY real with a twin pregnancy.
So here we go. Numbers:
By the numbers I've got a 40% chance of getting pregnant. By my doctor I've got a 50/50 shot at getting pregnant.
And then IF I'm pregnant, I've got damn near a 33% chance of having two. My RE is strongly encouraging transferring two embryos. I'm going to take his advice. But a 1 in 3 chance of having twins is absolutely terrifying.
I spend entirely too much time lurking on the Multiples boards online. I spend entirely too much time calculating out not only my EDD (estimated due date) for this potential pregnancy, but what milestones I need to hit- Viability Day, making it past the "micro-preemie" cutoff (28 weeksish) and my "twins are done cooking date" (usually doctors want a twin pregnancy to last at least 35 weeks).
I've looked up the statistic for what % of twin moms delver by X weeks, and I find quite a bit of comfort knowing when my potential future fetuses could arrive.
I'm not sure if I'm crazy or if I'm optimistic, but I'm ready to tackle this beast head on and finally escape TTC land. I'm ready for the Fertility Boat to come pick me up. It's my time for the golden ticket. I'm ready to cross over to the other side.
I've been moderating the May 2015 birth club board for the past month, and it has been amazing how they've welcomed this infertile with open arms until they can elect their own mod. I can't wait to have that experience with MY OWN BMB.
So I crunched the SART data for my clinic (again). Our Doc says that for our case in particular he thinks we have somewhere between a 50-60% chance of success on our first cycle.
And then I looked at the data for multiples. And my heart skipped a beat. My clinic has a slightly (every so slightly) higher than average rate of twins. Luckily their rate for HOM is lower than the national average.
I just can't shake this feeling that my body is going to offer me double or nothing.
I'm still obese. I'm down 20 pounds (YAY) but in an ideal world I'd probably still be 80 pounds lighter than I am right now. And I know that the risk is VERY real with a twin pregnancy.
So here we go. Numbers:
My clinic
| Year | Live Birth | Twins | Triplets |
| 2012 | 36.5% | 32.5% | 1.8% |
| 2011 | 32.0% | 30.7% | 2.3% |
| 2010 | 37.0% | 32.5% | 0.0% |
| 2009 | 45.5% | 35.8% | 1.1% |
| 2008 | 48.2% | 32.9% | 1.0% |
| 5 year average | 39.8% | 32.9% | 1.2% |
National Average
| Year | Live Birth | Twins | Triplets |
| 2012 | 40.7% | 29.5% | 1.1% |
| 2011 | 40.1% | 30.8% | 1.2% |
| 2010 | 41.7% | 32.4% | 1.5% |
| 2009 | 41.4% | 32.9% | 1.6% |
| 2008 | 44.4% | 33.3% | 1.9% |
| 5 year average | 41.7% | 31.8% | 1.5% |
By the numbers I've got a 40% chance of getting pregnant. By my doctor I've got a 50/50 shot at getting pregnant.
And then IF I'm pregnant, I've got damn near a 33% chance of having two. My RE is strongly encouraging transferring two embryos. I'm going to take his advice. But a 1 in 3 chance of having twins is absolutely terrifying.
I spend entirely too much time lurking on the Multiples boards online. I spend entirely too much time calculating out not only my EDD (estimated due date) for this potential pregnancy, but what milestones I need to hit- Viability Day, making it past the "micro-preemie" cutoff (28 weeksish) and my "twins are done cooking date" (usually doctors want a twin pregnancy to last at least 35 weeks).
I've looked up the statistic for what % of twin moms delver by X weeks, and I find quite a bit of comfort knowing when my potential future fetuses could arrive.
I'm not sure if I'm crazy or if I'm optimistic, but I'm ready to tackle this beast head on and finally escape TTC land. I'm ready for the Fertility Boat to come pick me up. It's my time for the golden ticket. I'm ready to cross over to the other side.
I've been moderating the May 2015 birth club board for the past month, and it has been amazing how they've welcomed this infertile with open arms until they can elect their own mod. I can't wait to have that experience with MY OWN BMB.
Monday, September 15, 2014
Om Nom Nom (that's the sound of me on pinterest)
So with my IVF approaching, and the weather turning cold again, I can't help but realize that the time for grilling will soon be over :(
Yes- this makes me a sad SAD panda
But that just means it's time to start thinking about crock pot cooking again! And in my eternally optimistic state of mind, that means it's time to start thinking about meal prep for the coming season.
I tend to surf pinterest at work when I'm bored, and it hit me today that I have over 80 pins on my crock pot make ahead meals board.
And another 58 pins on my freezer (non-crock pot) meal board
And 150 on my one pot wonder meals board
68 on my gluten free board
and 21 on my crock pot soups board.
That's 377 meals. I could literally not pin anything else and have a new recipe to try every single day for the next year.
So in order to save money AND start prepping meals for WHEN (not if) I'm pregnant and then for postpartum, I'm making a commitment to trying 25 recipes every month from my pinterest boards. And as I find recipes I like, I will be moving them all into a postpartum cooking pin board.
My plan all along has been to start doing major batch cooking starting in early 3rd trimester, and add to it every couple of weeks so that by the time I have an outside baby, I will also have 10 weeks (roughly 60 meals) worth of dinners frozen and ready to either go into the oven or the crock pot. I plan to prepare enough food in each bag (or tray) to feed 3-4 people, so that way I have something for lunch (leftovers) as well as to feed any family that might be visiting.
Freezer meals tend to last for about 3 months in the freezer. So if I start cooking around 32 weeks (or earlier if we end up having a high risk pregnancy) and prep an additional 15 meals every 2 weeks, I should be covered! I know, it sounds horrible- preparing 15 meals in one day. But honestly, I often double the recipe and split it into 2 bags, and from start to finish it usually takes about 4 hours in the kitchen.
4 hours on a Sunday afternoon is a great investment if it means I don't have to spend ANY time in the kitchen for the rest of the month.
Week 32: Prepare 20 meals. Will need to be consumed by 4 weeks PP
Week 34: Prepare 15 meals. Will need to be consumed by 6 weeks PP
Week 36 Prepare 15 meals. Will need to be consumed by 8 weeks PP
Week 38: Prepare 15 meals. Will need to be consumed by 10 weeks PP
Total meals: 65
As I create the meal plans for each batch cooking, I promise to post them!
Do you have any go-to meals for meal trains/sunshine missions/church groups that I should know about? I'm always interested in adding more to my arsenal- especially if that recipe is gluten free and nut free!
Yes- this makes me a sad SAD panda
But that just means it's time to start thinking about crock pot cooking again! And in my eternally optimistic state of mind, that means it's time to start thinking about meal prep for the coming season.
I tend to surf pinterest at work when I'm bored, and it hit me today that I have over 80 pins on my crock pot make ahead meals board.
And another 58 pins on my freezer (non-crock pot) meal board
And 150 on my one pot wonder meals board
68 on my gluten free board
and 21 on my crock pot soups board.
That's 377 meals. I could literally not pin anything else and have a new recipe to try every single day for the next year.
So in order to save money AND start prepping meals for WHEN (not if) I'm pregnant and then for postpartum, I'm making a commitment to trying 25 recipes every month from my pinterest boards. And as I find recipes I like, I will be moving them all into a postpartum cooking pin board.
My plan all along has been to start doing major batch cooking starting in early 3rd trimester, and add to it every couple of weeks so that by the time I have an outside baby, I will also have 10 weeks (roughly 60 meals) worth of dinners frozen and ready to either go into the oven or the crock pot. I plan to prepare enough food in each bag (or tray) to feed 3-4 people, so that way I have something for lunch (leftovers) as well as to feed any family that might be visiting.
Freezer meals tend to last for about 3 months in the freezer. So if I start cooking around 32 weeks (or earlier if we end up having a high risk pregnancy) and prep an additional 15 meals every 2 weeks, I should be covered! I know, it sounds horrible- preparing 15 meals in one day. But honestly, I often double the recipe and split it into 2 bags, and from start to finish it usually takes about 4 hours in the kitchen.
4 hours on a Sunday afternoon is a great investment if it means I don't have to spend ANY time in the kitchen for the rest of the month.
Week 32: Prepare 20 meals. Will need to be consumed by 4 weeks PP
Week 34: Prepare 15 meals. Will need to be consumed by 6 weeks PP
Week 36 Prepare 15 meals. Will need to be consumed by 8 weeks PP
Week 38: Prepare 15 meals. Will need to be consumed by 10 weeks PP
Total meals: 65
As I create the meal plans for each batch cooking, I promise to post them!
Do you have any go-to meals for meal trains/sunshine missions/church groups that I should know about? I'm always interested in adding more to my arsenal- especially if that recipe is gluten free and nut free!
Friday, September 12, 2014
Snap, Crackle, Pop
Those would be the sounds made by my body during my chiro appointment this morning.
It's been over 2 years since my last adjustment, and my back has been getting progressively worse. Gotta love our sedentary culture for that!
So I made an emergency appointment with my former (now current!) chiropractor's office.
The doctor FLIPPED when I told him it hurt to move my neck, and that my left arm and leg randomly go numb.
The good news: My body still responds really well to chiropractic care. And it sounded like he put a lot of things back into place (judging by the number of times my body went snap, crackle, and pop).
The better news: they're experienced with treating infertile women
The best news: they've seen many patients have successful IVF treatments after multiple IVF failures after incorporating chiropractic care. So hopefully by being proactive, we'll get a sticky bean the first time around.
I've also been calling acupuncturists to get pricing and their thoughts. I'm going to pour everything we've got into this first round of IVF, so hopefully it ends up being our ONLY round of IVF!
It's been over 2 years since my last adjustment, and my back has been getting progressively worse. Gotta love our sedentary culture for that!
So I made an emergency appointment with my former (now current!) chiropractor's office.
The doctor FLIPPED when I told him it hurt to move my neck, and that my left arm and leg randomly go numb.
The good news: My body still responds really well to chiropractic care. And it sounded like he put a lot of things back into place (judging by the number of times my body went snap, crackle, and pop).
The better news: they're experienced with treating infertile women
The best news: they've seen many patients have successful IVF treatments after multiple IVF failures after incorporating chiropractic care. So hopefully by being proactive, we'll get a sticky bean the first time around.
I've also been calling acupuncturists to get pricing and their thoughts. I'm going to pour everything we've got into this first round of IVF, so hopefully it ends up being our ONLY round of IVF!
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Here goes everything
So I had my last appointment with my RE prior to my IVF cycle last week, and next week I go for IVF orientation.
Am I nervous: Absolutely
Am I optimistic that this is going to work: You bet your ass
I'm feeling pretty good about this cycle, despite the fact that we lost all IF coverage on my insurance (BOO!)
Am I nervous: Absolutely
Am I optimistic that this is going to work: You bet your ass
I'm feeling pretty good about this cycle, despite the fact that we lost all IF coverage on my insurance (BOO!)
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Anxiety Fucking Blows
This is going to be short, and kind of depressing. I'm getting to a better place, but it's been hard.
Anxiety sucks.
Having a PCP that doesn't see eye to eye with you sucks
Having such fear of the future that you shut down sucks
Feeling like a failure because you can't focus sucks
Crying in the corner of your office because you're overwhelmed sucks
Panicking on a daily basis sucks
Having to have your husband drive you to work because you have a xanax hangover sucks
Crying at work because it's better than having an anxiety attack sucks
Crying at a doctor's appointment because it's better than panicking sucks
Lying to a doctor about feeling depressed because you're scared they'll take away your anti-anxiety drugs sucks
Lying to a doctor about your anxiety because you're afraid they'll take away your ADHD meds sucks
Facing the realization that if IVF doesn't work you're going to be living CFNBC sucks
I made the step today to get a consult with a psychiatrist. I need antidepressants. I need therapy. I need a doctor who specializes in the human brain to help me get my brain back to normal. I haven't felt normal since my dad died. So many doctors told me it was "just grief" and I would get over it. 2 years later I'm not over it. I'm so depressed I can't move some days. Some days I'm fine and then out of nowhere I'm hit with a panic attack. There are days when all the adderall in the world won't help me focus. I'm terrified I'm dealing with more than I thought I was.
I'm scared of being sick. But after seeing a dear internet friend of mine take the brave step to seek help at an in-patient treatment center, I realized that if she can take the step to do THAT, I can put on my big girl panties and see a psych.
You see, my history with "therapists" isn't great. In high school I had a physicians assistant (not even a PsyD) "diagnose" me as bipolar 2 simply because I was messy, I tended to hyperfocus on things, and he said I was "manic" because I wrote a 50,000 word novel in a week during National Novel Writing Month.
Turns out I wasn't bipolar (and those drugs almost caused me to kill myself). I had diagnosed ADHD and was dealing with depression. It's amazing what an SSRI and some adderall did to improve my ability to focus on the things that needed my attention.
I've tried therapy in the past. I found my therapist very condescending. I don't want to pay some stranger to psychoanalyze my problems. I think I just had a couple of bad therapists who weren't super awesome at connecting with me.
The psych I'm seeing came highly recommended. I'm hoping that he and I will get along.
So I'm going to get better. I'm getting better. I'm learning to cope with things much better than in the past. I'm still not perfect, but I'm looking forward to getting the help I need.
Anxiety sucks.
Having a PCP that doesn't see eye to eye with you sucks
Having such fear of the future that you shut down sucks
Feeling like a failure because you can't focus sucks
Crying in the corner of your office because you're overwhelmed sucks
Panicking on a daily basis sucks
Having to have your husband drive you to work because you have a xanax hangover sucks
Crying at work because it's better than having an anxiety attack sucks
Crying at a doctor's appointment because it's better than panicking sucks
Lying to a doctor about feeling depressed because you're scared they'll take away your anti-anxiety drugs sucks
Lying to a doctor about your anxiety because you're afraid they'll take away your ADHD meds sucks
Facing the realization that if IVF doesn't work you're going to be living CFNBC sucks
I made the step today to get a consult with a psychiatrist. I need antidepressants. I need therapy. I need a doctor who specializes in the human brain to help me get my brain back to normal. I haven't felt normal since my dad died. So many doctors told me it was "just grief" and I would get over it. 2 years later I'm not over it. I'm so depressed I can't move some days. Some days I'm fine and then out of nowhere I'm hit with a panic attack. There are days when all the adderall in the world won't help me focus. I'm terrified I'm dealing with more than I thought I was.
I'm scared of being sick. But after seeing a dear internet friend of mine take the brave step to seek help at an in-patient treatment center, I realized that if she can take the step to do THAT, I can put on my big girl panties and see a psych.
You see, my history with "therapists" isn't great. In high school I had a physicians assistant (not even a PsyD) "diagnose" me as bipolar 2 simply because I was messy, I tended to hyperfocus on things, and he said I was "manic" because I wrote a 50,000 word novel in a week during National Novel Writing Month.
Turns out I wasn't bipolar (and those drugs almost caused me to kill myself). I had diagnosed ADHD and was dealing with depression. It's amazing what an SSRI and some adderall did to improve my ability to focus on the things that needed my attention.
I've tried therapy in the past. I found my therapist very condescending. I don't want to pay some stranger to psychoanalyze my problems. I think I just had a couple of bad therapists who weren't super awesome at connecting with me.
The psych I'm seeing came highly recommended. I'm hoping that he and I will get along.
So I'm going to get better. I'm getting better. I'm learning to cope with things much better than in the past. I'm still not perfect, but I'm looking forward to getting the help I need.
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Well shit, I have a half marathon in 79 days
Procrastination wins again. I have a half marathon in 79 days and I have been majorly slacking on my training.
The good news: My bath tub is getting installed this week so I will be able to take ice baths
The bad news: I have zero aerobic base and 11 weeks to train.
This may be the smartest or dumbest shit I've ever done in my life. We'll see. I'm making the commitment to get up at 5:30 AM every day to go for my training run so that I can get across that finish line. Because there is a shiny medal. A really big really shiny medal.
And beer. There is free beer at the finish line.
So here is my training plan. It's increasing my mileage by more than 10% per week, so I'm taking preventative measures like taping my knees, wearing my shin splint boots, and of course ice baths. And if I feel a stress fracture, I'm pulling out. But dammit, I'm going to do it. Because the week after this race is potentially when we start to stim for IVF #1. And I'm going to be 30 pounds lighter in the next 11 weeks.
And yes. I will be holding myself accountable.
I also need to do a weight check, but every time I've stepped on the scale this week it's said "Lo"
So between being too lazy to change the batteries, and enjoying the scale telling me that my weight is "Lo" (LOL) I've not weighed in.
The good news: My bath tub is getting installed this week so I will be able to take ice baths
The bad news: I have zero aerobic base and 11 weeks to train.
This may be the smartest or dumbest shit I've ever done in my life. We'll see. I'm making the commitment to get up at 5:30 AM every day to go for my training run so that I can get across that finish line. Because there is a shiny medal. A really big really shiny medal.
And beer. There is free beer at the finish line.
So here is my training plan. It's increasing my mileage by more than 10% per week, so I'm taking preventative measures like taping my knees, wearing my shin splint boots, and of course ice baths. And if I feel a stress fracture, I'm pulling out. But dammit, I'm going to do it. Because the week after this race is potentially when we start to stim for IVF #1. And I'm going to be 30 pounds lighter in the next 11 weeks.
And yes. I will be holding myself accountable.
I also need to do a weight check, but every time I've stepped on the scale this week it's said "Lo"
So between being too lazy to change the batteries, and enjoying the scale telling me that my weight is "Lo" (LOL) I've not weighed in.
Thursday, July 17, 2014
This time next year
So here's a break from my getting healthy posts to talk about TTC again. Mostly because I overslept on Monday, took a lazy day, and didn't set goals for myself... aside from not drinking a week's worth of calories while I'm in Memphis this weekend.
When you're having trouble trying to conceive, sometimes you find IF brain making you fantasize about the future. I remember how full of hope I was for my first clomid cycle. I remember how ridiculously hopeful I was that I would be one of the lucky ones with IUI.
And as we prep for IVF, I find myself once again trying to think positive and find myself saying "when I get pregnant with IVF #1".
Now I know the unfortunate reality is that statistically, MOST women don't get pregnant with IVF #1 (The live birth rate for IVF nationwide is 40%).
Both clinics I'm looking at have live birth rates of 31% and 36%. Statistically I know I will probably need more than one cycle. But damnit, I'm going to be the exception that drives those stats UP!
So I spent time thinking about what the next year will look like if our November IVF works (figuring based on my cycle that we'll probably have our IVF around the 15th).
November 2014: I'll be bloated, miserable, and fat. But I will be excited. We will have a trip to New York for our IVF, and probably stop at Niagara falls on the way home.
Thanksgiving 2014: Will probably be right around the time we get our BFP. And then I plan to not tell my mother. If she asks I'm going to lie and tell her it didn't take. Because I want to surprise her on Christmas Day. It will be double the surprise if we end up with twins. And I've resigned myself to that very real possibility!
December 2014: We'll be somewhere around 7 weeks at Christmas. We can't wait to tell the family on Christmas Day. I'm terrible at keeping secrets, but it will be so worth it!
March 21, 2015: Half baked, and the weekend I will be seeking re-election for my volunteer chair position. Could be an amusing election if I'm half-baked with twins!
April 18th, 2015: Viability week. The flowers will be in full bloom, and we will be celebrating my blossoming belly
May 23rd, 2015: Memorial day weekend. 29 weeks. Hopefully this will be the weekend of my baby shower. My mom's already said she plans on having it at her house, and I'm looking forward to a super casual backyard holiday weekend barbeque with the whole family to celebrate Baby Dreaming!
July 4th, 2015: Happy independence day. If we're expecting twins, this could very well be our inside babies' independence days from my uterus! 35 weeks and we've hit the final countdown.
August 8th- Full term. God bless me if I make it this far!
It's really crazy to think that this time next year we could very well have an outside baby/babies! I'm going to hang on to that hope.
When you're having trouble trying to conceive, sometimes you find IF brain making you fantasize about the future. I remember how full of hope I was for my first clomid cycle. I remember how ridiculously hopeful I was that I would be one of the lucky ones with IUI.
And as we prep for IVF, I find myself once again trying to think positive and find myself saying "when I get pregnant with IVF #1".
Now I know the unfortunate reality is that statistically, MOST women don't get pregnant with IVF #1 (The live birth rate for IVF nationwide is 40%).
Both clinics I'm looking at have live birth rates of 31% and 36%. Statistically I know I will probably need more than one cycle. But damnit, I'm going to be the exception that drives those stats UP!
So I spent time thinking about what the next year will look like if our November IVF works (figuring based on my cycle that we'll probably have our IVF around the 15th).
November 2014: I'll be bloated, miserable, and fat. But I will be excited. We will have a trip to New York for our IVF, and probably stop at Niagara falls on the way home.
Thanksgiving 2014: Will probably be right around the time we get our BFP. And then I plan to not tell my mother. If she asks I'm going to lie and tell her it didn't take. Because I want to surprise her on Christmas Day. It will be double the surprise if we end up with twins. And I've resigned myself to that very real possibility!
December 2014: We'll be somewhere around 7 weeks at Christmas. We can't wait to tell the family on Christmas Day. I'm terrible at keeping secrets, but it will be so worth it!
March 21, 2015: Half baked, and the weekend I will be seeking re-election for my volunteer chair position. Could be an amusing election if I'm half-baked with twins!
April 18th, 2015: Viability week. The flowers will be in full bloom, and we will be celebrating my blossoming belly
May 23rd, 2015: Memorial day weekend. 29 weeks. Hopefully this will be the weekend of my baby shower. My mom's already said she plans on having it at her house, and I'm looking forward to a super casual backyard holiday weekend barbeque with the whole family to celebrate Baby Dreaming!
July 4th, 2015: Happy independence day. If we're expecting twins, this could very well be our inside babies' independence days from my uterus! 35 weeks and we've hit the final countdown.
August 8th- Full term. God bless me if I make it this far!
It's really crazy to think that this time next year we could very well have an outside baby/babies! I'm going to hang on to that hope.
Friday, July 11, 2014
Down another 1.9 pounds
I just need to get excited and dance around a bit.
I'm down another 1.9 pounds, despite some poor food choices this week.
I also saw a number in the 260's for the first time since right after my dad died.
I'm really proud of myself
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
6/30 goals in review + new goals week of 7/7
Week 1 of "Operation: Be Less Fat" is complete. To recap, my goals were:
1) Complete all three training wogs scheduled
Status: Completed. Went home for the holiday weekend and even squeezed in some extra long doggy walks on top of it all
2) Eat out less than 3 meals
Status: Completed. Though the fact that we had a huge cookout and I gorged myself on some super fattening ethnic foods probably wasn't the way to go about meeting that goal.
3) Don't skip lunch at work
Status: FAIL. I forgot lunch two days last week :(
So time for new goals this week
1) spend at least 30 minutes in my garden each night (weather permitting)
2) go out for a walk/jog 4 nights this week
3) stock my NEW office mini-fridge with healthy foods and snacks
1) Complete all three training wogs scheduled
Status: Completed. Went home for the holiday weekend and even squeezed in some extra long doggy walks on top of it all
2) Eat out less than 3 meals
Status: Completed. Though the fact that we had a huge cookout and I gorged myself on some super fattening ethnic foods probably wasn't the way to go about meeting that goal.
3) Don't skip lunch at work
Status: FAIL. I forgot lunch two days last week :(
So time for new goals this week
1) spend at least 30 minutes in my garden each night (weather permitting)
2) go out for a walk/jog 4 nights this week
3) stock my NEW office mini-fridge with healthy foods and snacks
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
What does my food look like?
So one of my goals this week was to eat out less.
I'll admit- I had become lazy and complacent. My usual breakfast at work was something from McDonalds- either a sausage biscuit + frappe or a hotcakes and sausage platter + frappe.
Medium caramel frappe- 550 calories
Sausage Biscuit- 430 calories
Hotcakes and sausage- 520 calories
So right there my breakfasts on any given day were between 980 and 1070 calories. And I was paying $4.50-$6.50 for all of the gross food! Figure that's an average of $28 a week.
Excuse me while I vomit.
And then I would skip lunch because I ate such a disgustingly large breakfast. And by the time I got home I was famished and ate a ridiculous dinner.
No wonder I gained 90 pounds. ICK!
So I've decided it's time to take my meals back! Or more accurately- take my meals to work.
I spent some time on food stamps right after college and learned to shop super thrifty, so I knew it wouldn't be a challenge to get nutritious and reasonably priced food. Here's what I bought this week
8 bagels- $2.50 (on clearance at the grocery). I split them in half
Cost per serving- $0.16
10 yogurts- $6.00
Cost per serving- $0.60
10 pears- $2.00 (they were seconds at the farmers market)
Cost per serving- $0.20
6 peaches- $3.50 (farmer's market)
Cost per serving- $0.58
3 cans of Progresso soup- $4.00 (coupon+ in store sale). Each can will provide two lunches
Cost per serving- $0.66
So my typical breakfast has looked like this
1/2 bagel with butter (180 calories)
1 cup of yogurt (90 calories)
A piece of fruit (60 calories)
Total Cost - $1.20 (average)
Total Calories 330
And a typical lunch has looked like this:
1 bowl of soup (130 calories)
1/2 bagel (180 calories)
Total cost- $0.82
Total calories 310
So I went from consuming roughly 1,000 calories a day at work to consuming 640 calories. I'm fuller for a longer period of time, and I've literally cut my dining costs in half ($2.02 vs $4.50)
I have a fridge in my office, so I just bring all of my food in on Monday, and then I don't have to worry about it again until the following week.
I'm actually flabbergasted at how easy it's been!
I'll admit- I had become lazy and complacent. My usual breakfast at work was something from McDonalds- either a sausage biscuit + frappe or a hotcakes and sausage platter + frappe.
Medium caramel frappe- 550 calories
Sausage Biscuit- 430 calories
Hotcakes and sausage- 520 calories
So right there my breakfasts on any given day were between 980 and 1070 calories. And I was paying $4.50-$6.50 for all of the gross food! Figure that's an average of $28 a week.
Excuse me while I vomit.
And then I would skip lunch because I ate such a disgustingly large breakfast. And by the time I got home I was famished and ate a ridiculous dinner.
No wonder I gained 90 pounds. ICK!
So I've decided it's time to take my meals back! Or more accurately- take my meals to work.
I spent some time on food stamps right after college and learned to shop super thrifty, so I knew it wouldn't be a challenge to get nutritious and reasonably priced food. Here's what I bought this week
8 bagels- $2.50 (on clearance at the grocery). I split them in half
Cost per serving- $0.16
10 yogurts- $6.00
Cost per serving- $0.60
10 pears- $2.00 (they were seconds at the farmers market)
Cost per serving- $0.20
6 peaches- $3.50 (farmer's market)
Cost per serving- $0.58
3 cans of Progresso soup- $4.00 (coupon+ in store sale). Each can will provide two lunches
Cost per serving- $0.66
So my typical breakfast has looked like this
1/2 bagel with butter (180 calories)
1 cup of yogurt (90 calories)
A piece of fruit (60 calories)
Total Cost - $1.20 (average)
Total Calories 330
And a typical lunch has looked like this:
1 bowl of soup (130 calories)
1/2 bagel (180 calories)
Total cost- $0.82
Total calories 310
So I went from consuming roughly 1,000 calories a day at work to consuming 640 calories. I'm fuller for a longer period of time, and I've literally cut my dining costs in half ($2.02 vs $4.50)
I have a fridge in my office, so I just bring all of my food in on Monday, and then I don't have to worry about it again until the following week.
I'm actually flabbergasted at how easy it's been!
Monday, June 30, 2014
Weekly Goals 6/30/14
So I promised I would set weekly goals for myself. So this week, here are my goals
1) Complete all 3 training "wogs" (walk/jogs) I have scheduled
2) Eat out less than 3 meals
3) Don't skip lunch at work
Starting nice and easy
1) Complete all 3 training "wogs" (walk/jogs) I have scheduled
2) Eat out less than 3 meals
3) Don't skip lunch at work
Starting nice and easy
Sunday, June 29, 2014
Fat girl, getting skinny
So part of the reason we're benching ourselves is to lose weight before IVF. I've not put it out there before, but I'm going to right now.
Between the stress of IF and the death of my father, I have gained 90 pounds in the past 3 years. Before that 90 pounds I put on about 10.
I went from 160 to 278.
278 fucking pounds
I went from 160 to 278.
278 fucking pounds
Yeah, it feels good to put it out there. That would be a weight that exceeds most home ladders, most soccer mom lawn chairs, and means you're too big to fit in most rollercoasters.
I went from a size 10 to a size 22W
I went from a size 10 to a size 22W
Pretty sure the W stands for whale, not woman. Because "women" aren't designed to be this large.
So it's time to get back in control of my weight and my life.
So it's time to get back in control of my weight and my life.
This was week 1 of giving a damn about my weight and health for real.
I weighed 278.2 a week ago.
Today I weigh 274.5.
It's a start.
So until we move on with IVF, this blog will be chronicling my journey back to healthy. I hope to highlight things like my workouts, mini goals, my weight change for the week, and some of my healthy meals.
So let's do this.
I weighed 278.2 a week ago.
Today I weigh 274.5.
It's a start.
So until we move on with IVF, this blog will be chronicling my journey back to healthy. I hope to highlight things like my workouts, mini goals, my weight change for the week, and some of my healthy meals.
So let's do this.
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Remembering Tavin & Casey
Infertility is a funny thing. You spend months (or years) fighting against this invisible foe, until one day you wake up and for a change there are two lines on that damned pee stick instead of one.
And most people would assume at that point that your journey with infertility is over.
But it's not.
I still haven't gotten to that point. I haven't seen the two lines since my two early losses. And excuse me for speaking out of school here, but I think I have a pretty good handle on what happens after that BFP.
Two pink lines are not the end of worrying. Two lines are just the beginning of the fear.
You go from fear of never having children to having fear of losing the children you've fought so hard for. You spend the next 40ish weeks doing whatever you can to ensure that these children that you've loved since before they were conceived have a fighting chance out in the world.
You go from living in 2 week chunks of time between stages of treatment to living in chunks of time separated by milestones.
"Just a few more hours until we see if our betas have doubled"
"Just a few more days and we can see the baby on ultrasound"
"Just a few more weeks until we can hear a heartbeat"
"Just a few more weeks until we're out of first trimester"
"Just a few more weeks until V-Day"
(that's viability day, or 24 weeks gestation- the point at which medical intervention will be taken for preemies, for those not in the know)
Each milestone passed is a quick sigh of relief, and then you find yourself focusing on that next milestone. That next hurdle that stand between you and holding a child in your arms.
Last week, two of my infertility sisters (partners) were stopped in their tracks, that last big hurdle in their sights. They had fought the battle of infertility. They had come out victorious. They were expecting twin girls. They were over the moon. They had bumps in the road, and the mother who was carrying their babies was placed on bedrest for the past several weeks.
And then the unthinkable happened. At 21 weeks their daughters were born. They had to say hello and goodbye to Tavin in the same breath, and they had an hour with little Casey before she joined her sister in the life that comes after this one.
M & H, I don't know if either of you will ever see this blog, but my thoughts and prayers are with you both today as you celebrate the lives of your daughters. They are so lucky to have moms like you
Monday, June 23, 2014
Wow I'm a slacker
I promised myself I wouldn't let this blog fall by the wayside.
And then I did.
What can I say- life on a break has kind of given me freedom from my IF thoughts.
Since the last time I blogged, I:
- Had a consult with our RE. His suggestion is IVF with ICSI after I lose 40-45 pounds. Tentatively planned for November
- Signed up for a 1/2 marathon in October
- Failed to start training for said half marathon
-Went to Bermuda with my mom- and it was absolute heaven
- Planted over 250 flowers in my garden
- Planted more lettuce and radishes than two people could possibly ever eat
- Lived on lettuce and radishes for a week, LOL
- Scheduled a consult with CNY since they're 1/2 the cost of my RE
- Set up a GoFundMe page at the suggestion of several other bumpies
- Had friends offer to host an online art/craft auction to help pay for our IVF cycle
- Had an extremely generous bumpie offer up a care package that should help bring down our IVF costs
- Redecorated our master bedroom
-tackled a few pinerest projects (pics to follow)
-started an etsy store to help fund our IVF journey
-Started BCP's to avoid hyperplasia again
-found my sex drive
- helped my best friend propose to his now-fiancee
-Spent a weekend in the Smoky Mountains and then in Nashville
- Started to explore adoption
So needless to say I've been quite a busy bee.... but I know I won't be neglecting this blog any more!
And then I did.
What can I say- life on a break has kind of given me freedom from my IF thoughts.
Since the last time I blogged, I:
- Had a consult with our RE. His suggestion is IVF with ICSI after I lose 40-45 pounds. Tentatively planned for November
- Signed up for a 1/2 marathon in October
- Failed to start training for said half marathon
-Went to Bermuda with my mom- and it was absolute heaven
- Planted over 250 flowers in my garden
- Planted more lettuce and radishes than two people could possibly ever eat
- Lived on lettuce and radishes for a week, LOL
- Scheduled a consult with CNY since they're 1/2 the cost of my RE
- Set up a GoFundMe page at the suggestion of several other bumpies
- Had friends offer to host an online art/craft auction to help pay for our IVF cycle
- Had an extremely generous bumpie offer up a care package that should help bring down our IVF costs
- Redecorated our master bedroom
-tackled a few pinerest projects (pics to follow)
-started an etsy store to help fund our IVF journey
-Started BCP's to avoid hyperplasia again
-found my sex drive
- helped my best friend propose to his now-fiancee
-Spent a weekend in the Smoky Mountains and then in Nashville
- Started to explore adoption
So needless to say I've been quite a busy bee.... but I know I won't be neglecting this blog any more!
Monday, April 28, 2014
Cycle Day 2 and Decisions
Well, AF showed up in full force yesterday.
Any hope that I had was officially ruined.
So now, the tough decisions start. My RE can't get me in for a WTF consult until NEXT wednesday (grr!) so I guess I won't be cycling this month. Which is probably a good thing. I need a mental break- and really our decision is already 99% made regarding switching to IVF.
Do we stick with our current clinic? Do we go to another clinic? Do we do Donor Embryo? Do we give traditional IVF a shot first? Do we move straight to adoption?
I hate this. Too many decisions, too much hassle. Too many concerns.
I spent awhile this morning looking at SART data. This is the < 35 data for my current clinic for the last 10 years
The decrease in live birth rates from 2009-2012 really has me concerned (going from 45% down to 36%, WTF) and it also puts their most recent year below the national average. Since we are 100% Out of Pocket this could add up VERY quickly.
So I did a bit of comparing between clinics. I looked at a handful of clinics within a 6ish hour drive of where I live now, that also are near friends or family that I could stay with.
Clinics A and G are my front-runners. Unfortunately I'm too fat for any of the money-back guarantee programs.
There is also our Option C- IVF in cancun. The clinic I'm looking at (IREGA) has a 65% pregnancy rate (but no stats on live birth) they offer a free FET cycle if your IVF fails, and the cost is $5600+ meds. Yeah, there would be the hotel cost and airfare on top of it, but the cost of IVF+airfare+2 weeks in an all-inclusive would be the same as one cycle here in the states. Not gonna lie- getting a 2 week vacation out of the deal sounds appealing to me.
Any hope that I had was officially ruined.
So now, the tough decisions start. My RE can't get me in for a WTF consult until NEXT wednesday (grr!) so I guess I won't be cycling this month. Which is probably a good thing. I need a mental break- and really our decision is already 99% made regarding switching to IVF.
Do we stick with our current clinic? Do we go to another clinic? Do we do Donor Embryo? Do we give traditional IVF a shot first? Do we move straight to adoption?
I hate this. Too many decisions, too much hassle. Too many concerns.
I spent awhile this morning looking at SART data. This is the < 35 data for my current clinic for the last 10 years
| Cycles | Pregnancy | Live Birth | cancellation | Twins | |
| 2004 | 294 | 38.8 | 35 | 9.9 | 35.1 |
| 2005 | 248 | 46.8 | 43.1 | 6.5 | 28.4 |
| 2006 | 270 | 55.6 | 47.4 | 6.7 | 26.6 |
| 2007 | 224 | 53.6 | 47.8 | 3.1 | 33.6 |
| 2008 | 218 | 51.4 | 48.2 | 8.3 | 32.4 |
| 2009 | 209 | 50.7 | 45.5 | 6.2 | 35.8 |
| 2010 | 308 | 42.9 | 37 | 11.7 | 32.5 |
| 2011 | 275 | 41.1 | 32 | 10.9 | 30.7 |
| 2012 | 312 | 41.3 | 36.5 | 10.9 | 32.5 |
The decrease in live birth rates from 2009-2012 really has me concerned (going from 45% down to 36%, WTF) and it also puts their most recent year below the national average. Since we are 100% Out of Pocket this could add up VERY quickly.
So I did a bit of comparing between clinics. I looked at a handful of clinics within a 6ish hour drive of where I live now, that also are near friends or family that I could stay with.
| Cycles | Pregnancy | Live Birth | cancellation | Twins | |
| Clinic E | 55 | 63.6% | 58.2% | 5.5% | 46.9% |
| Clinic A | 338 | 50.9% | 45.6% | 6.8% | 29.9% |
| Clinic G | 403 | 51.4% | 45.4% | 4.0% | 33.9% |
| Clinic B | 67 | 44.8% | 41.8% | 0.0% | 35.7% |
| Clinic D | 58 | 43.1% | 37.9% | 6.9% | 18.2% |
| Current Clinic | 312 | 41.3% | 36.5% | 10.9% | 32.5% |
| Clinic H | 97 | 41.2% | 36.1% | 930.0% | 34.3% |
| Clinic C | 59 | 40.7% | 35.6% | 11.9% | 52.4% |
| Clinic F | 100 | 42.0% | 33.0% | 5.0% | 36.4% |
Clinics A and G are my front-runners. Unfortunately I'm too fat for any of the money-back guarantee programs.
There is also our Option C- IVF in cancun. The clinic I'm looking at (IREGA) has a 65% pregnancy rate (but no stats on live birth) they offer a free FET cycle if your IVF fails, and the cost is $5600+ meds. Yeah, there would be the hotel cost and airfare on top of it, but the cost of IVF+airfare+2 weeks in an all-inclusive would be the same as one cycle here in the states. Not gonna lie- getting a 2 week vacation out of the deal sounds appealing to me.
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