Something that looks a little like hope

So I gave myself permission to get really angry for a few days, and now, we're looking toward the new year with renewed hope.

I had lost all faith in my doctor. A call on Friday changed that.

He has a plan. He has hope. He thinks that with a few medication adjustments and some prepping that we'll be good to go come January.


Changes now:

1) adding in 600mg of CoQ10 a day
2) adding in additional Vitamin D
3) adding in baby asprin now
4) starting metformin. Today I bumped up to 1000mg. Saturday I bump up to 1500mg.

Changes for my cycle:

1) no birth control pills. The doc things that it over-suppresed my ovaries and that's why it took so long for them to respond.

2) Starting at a low (100-125IU) dose of Follistim + 75IU of Menopur- and staying there. He really thinks that if we wouldn't have upped my dose multiple times that we would have gotten there

3) more frequent blood draws. There was no reason to go 4 days between draws last cycle, and knowing what was going on may have helped us better gauge my dose.

Oh the shit we do to get pregnant... 

So now we wait for my period to show up. Dr. Awesome thinks that it will be here this week. I am not expecting it to show up (if at all) until after Thanksgiving. Either way we're going to have an appointment the first week of December to check to see if my ovaries are back to normal. If they are, we'll get a date on the calendar to have my baseline and hopefully we'll start stabbing again in early January.


This isn't how I expected to spend my holiday season- I was hoping we'd have much to give thanks for this year... but all things in good time. Until then I'm focusing on getting back to being well both physically and mentally, and even though we're approaching the holidays I'm hoping to lose another 15 pounds before our cycle... I've got motivation and I can't wait to see what happens!

Gutted...

My estrogen bottomed out.

Game over.

Cycle cancelled.

Quiet now, endure the tremor of a hope that's growing deep inside

Sometimes, the lyrics of a song can express my emotions so much more adequately than my words ever would.

Today is one of those days. Take a listen to the song New Earth by Zerbin

Fuck yeah, we're back in business!

FUCK YEAH! WE'RE BACK IN BUSINESS!!!!!!!

I'm a *wee* bit excited

Estrogen is down to 2900.

So the plan is:
1) 100 units of follistim and 1 vial of menopur tonight
2) ganirelix in the morning, blood draw tomorrow morning
3) Pending blood work results, 100+75 again on Thursday
4)  ultrasound + bloodwork on Friday, and as long as my estrogen stays in check, we'll either be triggering on Friday or Saturday for a Sunday or  Monday egg retrieval. egg retrieval sometime Sunday or Monday.


I'm just praying I have enough good eggs to make this happen!

Cancelled. Maybe. Or not. Who knows

So Monday was the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.

45 follies around 10mm.

And then my E2's spiked- from 715 on Saturday to 3200 on Monday.

My RE called and told me he wanted to cancel my cycle.

I gave in, I gave up. And then a dear internet friend of mine (Hey MaitaiBeth!) told me to call him back and fight to coast.

So I called back. He told me it was useless with follies this small. I told him I'd rather try and fail then not try at all.

So he agreed to let me coast for 48 hours on ganirelix.

Just got back from my scan. 3 follies at 16, 5 more at 14/15, and a handful more in the 12-13 range. And of course too numerous to count still hanging out at 10mm.


So now I wait for my bloodwork. If my E2s have stayed below 4500 or so, he's going to let me keep going this cycle. If they spiked, I'm benched until January at the very least.


I want off this rollercoaster

Now I know how the chicken feels...

Had my scan this morning

45 follies between 10mm and 13mm.


Oh, and the sonographer mentioned there are probably more that she can't count.


Since they're growing slow our ER and ET have been pushed back a few days, but I'm thinking it will probably happen this weekend.

I'm also still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that I potentially have 45 follies in play.


I'm just waiting on a response from my clinic to see if we're adding in the ganirelix tomorrow

The Dreaded 2WW

So before IVF started, I did a lot of googling, and I came across an amazing blog called With Great Expectation. She had an AWESOME timeline of what happens each day post transfer. I've adapted it a bit, since I'm doing a 2 day transfer.

DPT= Days Past Transfer

1DPT: Embryo is growing and developing

2DPT: Embryo is growing and developing 

3DPT: Embryo is now a blastocyst 

4DPT: Blastocyst hatches out of shell

5DPT: Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining

6 DPT: Implantation begins as the blastocyst begins to bury into the lining

7DPT: Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper into lining

8 DPT: Morula is completed implanted in the lining and has placenta cells and fetal cells 

9DPT: Placenta cells begin to secrete HCG into the blood

10DPT: More HCG is produced as the fetus develops

11 DPT: More HCG is produced as the fetus develops 

12 DPT: HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on a pregnancy test* 

*12DPT= 14 DPO, which is when most doctors schedule a beta. However, I plan on testing out the trigger and will probably test starting around 10DPT (12dpo)


It's so cool that I'll know exactly what's going on each day though. We're still on track for an estimated retrieval of 11/13... it's so close!

I've officially lost it- I bought shit catchers

**** TRIGGER WARNING****

*** Pictures of baby purchases below***

Don't read if you're having a rough IF day

I warned you



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I am now the proud owner of 7 no-brand shit catchers.

I don't know why I do this to myself.

I just hope that we have a tiny butt to put in all the fluff next year...

If not, I guess I can resell them on eBay. I got them for a steal- 7 pockets for $19.50 including shipping.

Exhaustion

I forgot how exhausting these meds are. Not just the process of getting everything ready to inject... but the side effects as well.

I can barely stay up past 9:00 most nights. Which means I'm failing at my volunteer obligations, my social life, and my job.

It's a struggle for me to function after 7PM. My husband, bless him, has been driving me to/from work so that I'm safe. He's been driving me several hours each weekend to visit the students I advise. He's been running all of our errands, doing all of our housework, and cooking me dinner every night.

I love this man.

I hate what IF has done to me.

A whole lotta nothing going on

Went in for my scan today.

Biggest follie was 7.5mm

So they're doing what I suggested in the first place- upping my follistm dosage to 175 and keeping my menopur at 75.

About fucking time.

Full of shit

Clearly I missed the memo that these meds will BACK YOU UP hardcore.

I haven't pooped in DAYS. I almost wish I still had my period shits. Because now it's like trying to shit a brick.

And I know the painkillers for ER and ET will only stop me up more.

Perhaps I should be starting the colace now... :(

Little Rituals

Even for those of us who aren't superstitious, we find ourselves participating in little rituals every day of our cycle. It's the one way to control something that is truly out of our control.

Right now, I have my evening stims ritual. It goes like this.


Put "Haven't Met You Yet" (Michael Buble) on repeat on my phone
Clean my IVF table
Lay out all of my drugs for the night
Wash  my hands
Mix my menopur
Inject my menopur
Inject my follistim
Clean up my IVF table
Lay down for 20 minutes and listen to my IVF playlist while I focus on my ovaries

I can't meditate. I've tried. Lord knows I've tried. My brain just can't get that quiet. But I've made a playlist (below) of upbeat music, and I've made a conscious effort to lay down every night and spend some time visualizing my ovaries, visualizing my eggs growing (lots of eggs) and visualizing my body working to eliminate side effects of the drugs.


My Playlist:

Ain't No Mountain High Enough- Marvin Gaye version 
Beautiful Day- U2
A Beautiful Morning- The Rascals
Best Day of My Life- American Authors 
The Best is Yet to Come- Matt Dusk version 
Bless the Broken Road- Rascal Flatts
The Climb- Miley Cyrus
Don't Stop Believing 
Haven't Met You Yet- Michael Buble
I will Wait- Mumford and Sons
I won't give up- Jason Mraz
Laughed until we cried- Jason Aldean
Let it Go- Frozen
No Less than a Woman- Lady Saw
Pompeii- Bastille
Rainbow Connection- Kermit the Frog
Roar- Katy Perry
Shake it Off- Taylor Swift
Somewhere Over the Rainbow- IZ
Unwritten- Natasha Bedingfield
Waiting on the World to Change- John Mayer
Wake Me Up- Avicii
What is Love- Janelle Monae
You've got a Friend in Me- Toy Story
Don't Worry, Be Happy- Bobby McFerrin
Here Comes the Sun- The Beatles

CD 4 Report

Well here we are- CD 4, and day 4 of stims.

As of my monday morning (CD3) scan I had 30+ follicles all < 8mm. A mature egg is anywhere from 20-25mm, so my follicles have a LONG way to go. But this isn't uncommon for me. This has happened every single cycle so far on injects. I'll have a whole lot of nothing, and then BAM, eggs everywhere.

So I'm trying to be patient, and resisting the urge to bump my medication dosage up myself. I have to be better at trusting my doctor. But I know on past cycles my body didn't do jack shit until I hit 225 IU of follistim, so I don't know why they're convinced that this 100+75 is going to work out for me.


Next scan is Thursday morning.

Cooking for 3

Every IF blog that I've read recommends meal-prepping so that you don't have to worry about cooking after ER (egg retrieval). And since  have a history of OHSS, I wanted to be doubly sure that I had nutritious and delicious meals ready to go for the first week of the 2WW.

OHSS (ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome) happens when your body responds *too well* to the drugs. It results in your body basically being unable to keep water in your cells- leading to dehydration and fluid build up in the abdominal cavity. In rare cases it can kill you.

Most doctors suggest a high protein, high salt diet combined with electrolyte replacement fluids instead of water. Many people use either Gatorade or Coconut Water as their fluid replacement. I will be going with coconut water this time around. Since high protein, high salt diets also help, I decided that my meal focus would be on high-protein soups with a decent salty punch. I don't even LIKE beans, but for the purpose of not ending up in the hospital, I've decided to give them a good try.

So Sunday afternoon I spent some time prepping  a bunch of REALLY delicious looking food from pinterest. Since I haven't cooked anything yet, and since I know I won't have time to properly plate and photograph my meals, I'm just going to link photos and recipes from the sources below.

All in all, it was about 3 hours of prep time in my kitchen, and my grocery receipts totaled just under $64 for the ingredients for all 8 meals!  And if they're anything like our last batch of crock pot meals, each bag will cover dinner for 2 evenings PLUS a couple of lunches.

Or one evening of dinner of the hubs has seconds... or thirds... or fourths like a couple of my last meals!


Dinner #1- Coconut Curry Chicken

Source: Sweet Treats More

Dinner #2 Moroccan Lentil Stew 

Source: Full Measure of Happiness

Dinner #3: Lentil Vegetable Barley Soup 

Source: Full Measure of Happiness

Dinner #4: Barley-Vegetable Soup 

Source: Heart Healthy Online

Dinner # 5: Crock Pot Broccoli Cheese Soup

SOURCE: Sidetracked Sarah

Dinner #6: Slow Cooker Lentil Vegetable Soup 

Source: Vegan in the Freezer

Dinner #7: Creamy Black Bean Chicken Soup

Source: Pass the Fresh

Dinner #8: Crock Pot Cream Cheese Chicken Chili

Source: Unoriginal Mom

Someday I know it'll all turn out...

I promise you kid, I'll give so much more than I get....


I just haven't met you yet. 

It's like Christmas day for infertiles!

I am beyond ready to get this party started!

The anticipation of this afternoon is worse than the anticipation on Christmas eve for a little kid. For all the Catholics reading, it feels like I'm stuck at Midnight Mass right now... an endless midnight Mass!

We start our stims this evening. I'm BEYOND excited, even though my starting dose is relatively low.

100IU of follistim 

75IU (1 vial) of menopur

I just took a good look at my needles for the first time, and it appears I don't actually have the injection needles for my menopur- just the fucking mixing needles (which I don't need!)

So hopefully I can get the proper injection needle (shorter- like 5/8 inch) vs this 1.5 inch monstrosity before I have to stab myself. 

.... in 4 hours.


Let's get the party started everyone!