Pregnant women are SMUG

Big shout out to the Bumpie that shared this video.

I'm a huge Kate Micucci fan, and didn't realize that her sarcastic vocal stylings spill over into an actual musical ensemble.

I just about died laughing watching this.

Doing good things for ME!

Throughout this whole IF nightmare/journey I've slowly been making positive changes in my life again. Eating well, exercising more (or at least trying to) and getting a good night's sleep have all been things I've tried to focus on.


But I realize that as great as my internet lady friends are, I really need to talk to *someone* professionally about the emotions that go with this hideous journey.

Which is why I've decided it's time to schedule an appointment with the counselor at my RE's office. Regardless how this cycle goes, it will be good to get these feelings off of my chest.

So I'm calling tomorrow morning.


Let's high five for putting myself first!

20% Success Rate

This cycle has been a head-trip. For the first time in our TTC journey there's a snowball's chance in hell of me getting pregnant. I hate that we had two "easy" conceptions that we lost so early, and now we're having to fight tooth and nail to see those two pink lines.


Which means I've had a lot of hope in this cycle. My body is *finally* doing what it should have been doing these past two years, but at the same time I have to keep reminding myself that we're only at a 15-20% chance of success.

That's an 80-85% chance of failure. It's more likely that we WON'T get pregnant this month, which is a real buzzkill.

But I am hanging on to that 20% chance that we will.

Why you need to be monitored on Clomid

One of the most common questions that we get asked on TB is "why do I need to be tested before taking Clomid and why should I be monitored"

First, let's address the testing. Making sure that there are no underlying issues is essential to making a treatment plan.

Proper testing before starting ANY fertility med includes (at a minimum) 

-An HSG for the female partner
-CD3 and 7DPO blood work for the female partner
-SA for the male partner

So why bother with all of this testing? Imagine your eggs are race cars, your ovary is the gas station, and your Fallopian tubes are the roads to the finish line. If you have tubal scarring, a defect, or blockage, no matter how much race fuel (Clomid) you pump into the cars at the gas station, your car won't make it to the finish line.

And the bloodwork? That's important because it can rule out underlying disorders (thyroid, adrenal hyperplasia, etc) that can be making getting pregnant even more complicated.

And the SA (semen analysis)? There's also no point in pumping the race cars full of race fuel if they make it to the finish line alone. If your partner's little swimmers aren't able to get to the egg, no amount of clomid in the world is going to solve that problem.


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And then there's the monitoring. At this point, many people have spent $1,500-$2,000 on testing alone and are questioning why in the world they need to have MORE tests done every month.

Proper monitoring on clomid looks like this:

CD3 ultrasound & bloodwork to make sure you don't have any cysts forming

CD10-14 ultrasound (depending on when you normally ovulate) to check your response to the drugs. If you haven't responded, they can increase the dosage, and if you responded too well (hyperstimulated) they will cancel the cycle so that you don't end up like Kate Gosselin. Clomid also has a nasty habit of thinning out your lining, so they'll measure that to make sure you can implant.

7DPO (NOT CD21) bloodwork- to check hormone levels to ensure that your body will be able to sustain a pregnancy if implantation occurs.

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We're talking about your health. Your risk of maternal death increases when on unmonitored clomid due to the risk of higher order multiples. You could also develop OHSS which can be fatal, and you risk significant damage to your reproductive organs.

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

On firing a doctor

I seem to have terrible luck with general physicians/family doctors. Some might go so far as to call me a high-maintenance patient. I hate that word. I prefer to describe it as "I know what I want, and I have expectations for my doctor".


My "short list" of what I expect from a physician's office

1) Punctuality. My time is just as valuable as yours. If my appointment is scheduled for 1PM, I expect to be seen at 1PM. Or 1:15. Not 2:00, 2:30, or 3:00. If I'm left to wait more than 30 minutes, you should expect a bill from me. If I have to pay a penalty for not showing on time, so should you.

2) I'm coming to see a doctor. Nothing grinds my gears  more than walking in and being introduced to my "provider". I have a cable & internet provider. I would like to see a DOCTOR. Not a PA, not a nurse practitioner. Someone with the letters MD or DO after their name.

3) I will not get on a scale. Thank you. I have a scale at home. I weigh in at least every other day. My scale is not calibrated the same as your scale. I'm more than happy to report my weight, or weigh in if it is medically necessary for a prescription or before surgery. But I will not give up my right to refusal of medical tests simply because it's easier for you.

4) I probably won't like your nurse, and you need to be ok with that. I don't know what it is about me and the nurse "assigned" to my doctor, but we tend to butt heads. She's there to get me into a room and get my vitals. Nothing more. She also doesn't have the right to make medical decisions regarding my medications, so if you think it's appropriate for your nurse to tell me to stop a medication without consulting you first, well, yeah, this won't work out.

5) I will advocate for myself. I won't take your advice at face value. I know myself and my body well enough to know if something's a good idea or not. I won't blindly accept pills. I won't take a diagnosis at face value, and I will question the need for every medical procedure.



All this to say I'm on the market for a new physician. My current MD's nurse left me in tears and I'm not OK with the way he handled the situation either.

Did something stupid/Hope I don't jinx myself!

DH and I have always planned to cloth diaper our future LO(s). I also have several mommy friends who CD and love it. Several of said friends are pregnant with #2 at this point, so I've been watching craigslist and freecycle for good deals.

Came across a set of 11 BumGenius diapers (for those who aren't in the know, they're a darn good diaper) for $50 total. They retail new for $18 each, so less than $5/each for gently used diapers is a STEAL.

Of course, my friends' stashes are all full right now... which has left me with 11 cloth diapers. For Future Fetus Dreamer.


Yeah. I just became *that person* that buys baby stuff for the baby that doesn't exist yet.

I'm sending them to my mom's house, and telling her if we're not pregnant by next year to sell them online.

So now I'm just praying I didn't jinx myself.

The CLOMID CHALLENGE

It sounds so much more exciting when it's called "The Clomid Challenge". It sounds like some sort of ovarian olympics. Or an Ironman for your uterus.

In reality it means your ovaries SUCK and didn't do jack squat for the last round of clomid.


Had my CD14 follie check today. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. A few little 7mm useless things on my right ovary (which is useless since my right tube is blocked) and nothing measurable on my left.

I feel so completely, utterly, and totally defeated right now. My left ovary  has been a literal pain in my side, and I had such a pretty temp drop and spike this weekend. Of course it came back down today and I'm chalking up my excitement to a change in blankets or something asinine. 

Is it 5:00 yet? I need something stiff. 

Let's talk about sex

Honestly, IF has destroyed our once active sex life. Before all this BS, we were the every-other-day hot, rough, naughty sex type. Not 50-shades-of-Grey naughty, but "more than you can buy at Spencers" naughty.

Now we're lucky if we have sex once a month, and it's more out of a feeling of obligation. It's mechanical and boring. I'll be honest, IF has made me feel defective. It's gotten to the point where I say "Why bother having sex, it's not like I can get pregnant even if we try, and no matter how much we do it we won't have a baby on our own".

Sex has become self-defeating for me and it's ruining our marriage. DH is constantly frustrated, I'm constantly mopey, and I feel like the only time he's physically affectionate toward me is when he thinks he can get some. I can't say that I blame the guy though- I've been shutting him down left and right.

Now that we're in medicated cycles, I've tried to explain that before we screw like bunnies, we have to make sure it's safe for me, and for Future Fetus/fetuses Dreamer. I've explained the risk of higher order multiples, of WHY we need to wait until after our ultrasound to bang bang bang. He gets it. He's not happy about it, but he gets it.

So here we are at the present. I've had negative OPKs all week and my temps have been holding steady. Imagine my surprise Saturday morning when I woke up with a temp drop on CD 12.

Was this the magical pre-O temp drop so many speak of?!??!??!?!

"woah Naria, PUMP THE BRAKES"

We're not scheduled for our follie check until Monday. My CD3 ultrasound was clear of cysts, and since I haven't had a cycle in 8 months at this point, they assumed I'd O later in my cycle.

"but but but but....."

I had to make a judgement call, and I'm pretty sure I just made the wrong one because I had a temp spike this morning. Lord help me if I pull a Kate Gosslin. I just couldn't help myself any longer.

But the sex was great. 

The OPKs never turned positive, so I'm hoping perhaps I was just warm in my sleep....

So here's to my ultrasound tomorrow morning. Lord help us if I already O'd. 

Some thoughts on Adderall in pregnancy

***Disclaimer: Not Medical Advice***


I've spent quite a bit of time contemplating the usage of my ADHD drugs now and continuing on into my pregnancy. I had a less than stellar experience speaking with my PCP's nurse the other day that left me in tears, and I've decided it was time to do my own research on the situation.

As a bit of a backstory: I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult after my husband brought my symptoms to my attention. I have always been a high achiever, but quite the "dreamer" and often left tasks unfinished. Retrospectively, the writing was on the wall. But I made it through grammar school as the day was so regimented. When I experienced the freedom of college, I fell flat on my face. I fully attribute my DH pointing out my symptoms to the success I experienced in the latter half of my college career.


I came across a great article from the Massachusetts General Hospital, and I wanted to share some of the highlights:

"Available data on the therapeutic use of Amphetamine in pregnancy shows no increase in the risk of congenital malformations"
(Milkovich, 1977- Effects of antenatal exposure to anorectic drugs) 

"A large cohort study monitoring 50,282 women with medication exposure during pregnancy (including 367 women taking Dextroamphetamine and 215 unspecified Amphetamines in the first trimester) demonstrated no increase in the risk of malformation in exposed infants"
(Golub, 2005- NTP CERHR Expert Panel Report on the reproductive adn developmental toxicity of amphetamien and methamphetamine) 

Conclusion: Available data for Amphetamines suggest no increase in the risk of malformation when used at therapeutic doses, while infants might have slightly lower birth weights.

(http://www.womensmentalhealth.org/clinical-update-use-of-stimulant-medications-in-pregnancy/)


Another quote I came across (and I forgot to save the source) sums up why Adderall is a Category C drug in pregnancy:

"To date, the effects of stimulants during pregnancy have only been studied in animals, where defects were seen in the offspring when the mothers were given very high doses of the stimulants. The doses of stimulants given to animals for these studies have been 41x and 12x the usual human dose. The literature contains individual case reports of women who have taken stimulants during their pregnancy and, clinically, there have been many other women who have taken stimulants and have had normal babies." 


The "usual human dose" is 60-120mg/day. Even before TTC, my dose was only 30mg, and I've already stepped down to 20mg/day. I know that in the past, anything less than 20mg has not been helpful to me. 

There have also been some correlational studies showing that children born to women who took amphetamines during pregnancy had lower school performance, however these studies did not take into account the genetic predisposition to ADHD and other sensory-processing-disorders and failed to exclude children based on those criteria  To me, it would be just as likely to have a low-performer in school due to undiagnosed ADHD.

DH and I have decided, based on the research, that it is in my best interest to continue my adderall at this time, and to re-evaluate how I'm feeling once I get my BFP. Currently I only take my meds on weekdays, and occasionally on the weekends if we have much to accomplish. I'd continue that trend in pregnancy, with taking a drug holiday every weekend.

Ideally I'd like to abstain from adderall during weeks 6-10 (during primary brain formation) and again from weeks 27-30 (when most of the rapid brain development occurs). I'm also hoping to be fully off adderall by week 37 to give Future Fetus Dreamer time to process through any remaining adderall in the system to hopefully avoid any withdrawal symptoms after birth.

Weighing risk vs. benefit is no fun, but maternal stress can be as detrimental to fetal development as drugs, and in my case the stress that comes with being the "scatterbrained dreamer" while not medicated could easily cause more harm than a micro dose of adderall.

My biggest concern is not the affects of the adderall on the fetus, but the effects of adderall on my blood pressure. I've been running high the past few months (130s/70s) and my blood pressure is *much* lower when not on stimulants (in the 90s/60s range). Part of the increase is related to my weight gain, but if my BP begins to spike in pregnancy, I'll have to learn to cope without the stimulants.

So now that basically everyone in my office knows...

IF meds are a fickle fickle thing. I've been falling asleep EARLY (for me) every night, waking up multiple times a night to pee, and generally have been exhausted.

I'm supposed to be working an event for work tomorrow night that the "new girl" is orchestrating. She's been here for 2 months, and I've probably had less than 5 conversations with her (she works in a different service unit).

Today I had to explain to her that I might have to duck out of the event early because my fertility meds are making me exhausted. So now officially everyone in the department knows that not only are we TTC, but we're going through IF treatments. I work in a fairly spiritual environment so it's nice to know that my coworkers are praying/sending good vibes, but at the same time it's a bit awkward. 

Since I have no cell reception in my office, every call to or from the RE goes through my desk phone, so those in the offices/cubes near me have a general idea of what's going on... but I just feel so exposed right now.

I'm fortunate to work in a field (social services/community building) where motherhood is celebrated and being "open" about our intentions to start a family is not a reason to withhold projects or promotions, but rather to provide opportunities for growth. Several employees in my unit have had complicated pregnancies and it's the type of office where they do a take-a-meal sign up, where there are always baby showers, and where a bedrest work-from-home plan is always a possibility. 

I *don't* plan to be a SAHM after LO #1. It's just not who I am. I crave adult interaction, and my biggest reservation about getting married was becoming "Mr. X's Wife" vs NariaDreaming. In the same way, I can't imagine being identified primarily as "Junior's Mom". Not knocking SAHM's in any way- my mom was a SAHM for 10 years- it's just not something I see in my future. And my boss knows it. 

So here's to being "out" at work! 

Caffeine withdrawal

So today starts day # 1 of my caffeine detox. I'm surrounded by caffeine addicts at work. On any given day at work I normally have a diet soda and 4-5 cups of coffee. I know I'm going to have to cut *waaaaaaaaay* down when pregnant, so I figured I'd give it up cold turkey starting now.


This is how I feel



Luckily caffeine was the only major vice I have that I need to kick- I can count on two hands the number of times I've been to a bar in my life, and I don't smoke. Now if I can just figure out what to do about this pesky ADHD medication I'd be smooth sailing.

But in good news, I woke up with some twinges around my left ovary. I'm just so glad it's not my bum right ovary feeling productive right now- which makes me want to do this



Welcome to CD8 where everything is magic and wonderful

Hot flashes and a realization that it's really here

So since I'm in a complaining mood, I just need to vent about these hot flashes. I'm not sure what's worse, wanting to strip naked at work, or wanting to just take my laptop to the ladies' room so that I don't keep getting interrupted by my bladder.


On a more... uplifiting(?) note it hit me today- we're actually freaking cycling. In 20 days we could be pregnant.


And this fills me with equal parts excitement and dread. Due to the progesterone, I did not lose as much weight on my "break" as I had hoped, and I'm starting out this journey in the "obese" category. I know that bigger gals successfully carry pregnancies every single day, but this is *not* where I wanted to be. But with the hyperplasia issues, I'm not willing to take time off of meds to lose weight pre-pregnancy.

And then there's the ADHD issue. I was diagnosed with ADHD during college, and I'm terrified what life without my meds would look like at work. There is NO way I would be productive for 9 months while pregnant and unmedicated. I'm comfortable with the risks to the future fetus based on the med I am on, but DH is on the fence.

And then there is the cutting down my coffee habit.

So many changes that may occur in the next few weeks, God willing.

Just call me Seabiscuit

Oh. My. WORD.

I cannot stop urinating! This is getting ridiculous. I don't know what it is about the Clomid, but I've been peeing (and peeing a good volume) EVERY SINGLE DAY since starting it. Can't even temp since I'm up 3 or 4 times to relieve myself.


Make.it.stop.now

goin' off the rails on a crazy train.......

Pretty sure that there's some sort of diagnosis or medication for what I'm currently feeling. 

There is nothing, and I mean straight up NOTHING that could have prepared me for the Clomid mood swings. Give me back the damn provera right now because those mood swings looked absolutely childlike compared to the mood swings I've had over the past 24 hours. 

Because my life honestly feels like this

Today, DH could do no right, I spent a solid 4 hours yelling at him for everything he's ever done to upset me, and alternated this hot ass mess with hysterical sobbing. It's almost 10PM, I haven't showered, gotten dressed, or brushed my hair.

Apparently "mental health days" are occasionally an OK thing, but I feel like a fat, lazy, disgusting slob. I have VERY oily skin, and as such my cell phone screen gets quite dirty. DH asked "what happened to your phone" which launched me into another 45 minute cry fest about how I'm just a disgusting, slovenly pig who isn't worthy of love and affection 

I'm assuming at this point you're all like

And honestly, I wouldn't blame you one bit.... because I'm completely off my rocker right now. And honestly, I just want to do something like this with every electronic device in my house, and lay here in complete and utter solitude

Three.More.Days of this devil medication. Between freaking out about OHSS and dealing with these side effects.... well, I hope we get our BFP this cycle because I can't imagine what level of psychobitch I will achieve if we have to do injects.

Back from a long hiatus and here WITH A PLAN!

I feel like such a blogging slacker, but for the past few months we've just been in a holding pattern waiting for the provera, and then the megace, to do their thing and clear up the hyperplasia.

We had our first RE consult in early July, and it went well. He's the one who switched me over to Megace. The good news is that I cried less on the Megace and wasn't nearly as depressed. The bad news is that it made me an angry, angry bitch.

Had a repeat biopsy at the end of July- and NO evidence of hyperplasia. I think I've officially beat this monster. So then it was time to get the ball rolling.


Which brings us to yesterday- the day of my HSG. Oh where to even begin. There's nothing delicate or fun about it- though it wasn't nearly as bad as I was expecting. I did take 800 of ibuprofen and 2 tylenol before the procedure- which seems to have helped.

There are no ways to adequately describe the experience known as the HSG. It felt like someone backed a cement truck up to my cervix and then dumped their load up my uterus.

But it was over fairly quickly. Except for the part where they couldn't get a good visual on my right tube. The rad. tech was in another room controlling the table and x-ray, so all I heard was this voice from the ceiling telling me to "pop my hips, oblique toward the door, oblique away from the door, ok, back down"

The good news: My uterus and left tube were picture perfect
The bad news: My right tube was completely occluded- probably a parting gift from an ex-douchebag of mine.

So after a round of 10:30 AM drinks I headed to the office feeling rather deflated.


And then my RE's office called. They had my clomid script ready. They just wanted to know if I'd be starting it THAT NIGHT or today so they could schedule my follie-check ultrasound.


Wait, WHAT? We're starting to cycle today? As in right now?

My day went from this 

To this

To this

and finally something like this

So happy CD 3 to me!!!!!!