I’ll admit I was saving this for later in the week, but I decided that after last night’s post that it would be a good follow up. As an adoptee, many people have asked us “well, why don’t you just adopt?” I appreciate where people are coming from, but “just adopting” isn't exactly a practical solution, nor is it a solution to infertility.
Adoption is a cure for childlessness. It does not cure infertility. You will be a parent after you adopt, but you will not be fertile.
Let that sink in for a second.
Many people go through incredibly long, heartbreaking, and expensive journeys with their infertility. When all is said and done, and hope for a biological pregnancy has come to an end, many couples have spent $50,000+ in their medical attempts at pregnancy over the course of dozens of months. “Just adopting” isn't always a realistic option after spending that kind of money.
Domestic infant adoptions cost anywhere from $10,000 to $30,000+ and sometimes more. After going through medically invasive fertility testing and treatments, you find yourself going through emotionally invasive homestudies, and being at the mercy of expectant mothers.
Depending on your openness to medical situations or trans-racial placements, your wait time from application to finalization can be anywhere from 8-36+ months, with no guarantee of a child. I personally know of a woman who had 3 matches, and the birth parents changed their mind last minute. I cannot even begin to imagine their heartbreak.
International adoption is a changing frontier. Not only are you looking at a minimum cost of $30,000, but thanks to organizations working to strengthen families in developing countries (a good thing!) there is a decrease in the number of children under the age of 2 available.
This isn’t the late 90’s when you could apply and be on a plane home with your healthy Chinese/Russian/Guatemalan baby in less than 9 months. Most of the children waiting for adoption overseas are older, are part of a sibling group, or have special needs. And if you’ve ever been on anti-depressants or seen a therapist, you can automatically rule out about ½ of the countries that the US has adoption agreements with. If your BMI is over 24, you can rule out another ¼ of the countries. And if you’re under 25 or over 40, or you have not been married at least 5 years, you can pretty much rule out any other country.
And let's just think about what happened with Russia. A hasty decision was made in a matter of weeks to close their borders to adoption from US couples- leaving many couples in limbo. These couples had already made a substantial financial commitment to their adoption, and suddenly they were out of hope, out of luck, and out of money with no refunds. That could happen in any country at any time.
Which leaves us with the last adoption option: adoption from the foster care system. From a financial standpoint, this makes the most sense. It often costs nothing, or very little (less than $2,000) for the official paperwork. There are ALWAYS children in need of foster homes. There are over 100,000 children in the US who are legally free for adoption. The downside is that these children are in foster care for a reason- they’ve been through trauma that you and I cannot even begin to imagine. And most of them are older (over 5) or have medical needs.
If you’re ready and able to parent a child with emotional, physical, psychological, or learning disabilities adoption from the foster care system is a great option. But again, it’s not a solution to the “I want to raise a baby” problem facing infertile couples. It’s a difficult road- I’d challenge you to read the book “Our Own” and ask yourself if YOU would honestly be able to welcome a hurt child into your home.
So recap: Adoption costs anywhere from $2,000- $50,000. It takes anywhere from 8 months- 5+ years. It requires a federal background check, a thorough home inspection, interviews of your friends, neighbors, and family members. It requires an agonizing wait, and at the end of the day there’s no guarantee that you’ll have a child.
All of this after spending tens of thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours of emotional energy on infertility treatment.
Furthermore, saying to “just adopt” is degrading to adopted people. It’s like “oh, your parents couldn’t have a biological child, so they ‘just adopted’”. Adoption shouldn't be a backup option or a second-tier way of family building, and a child who has already experienced the loss of their first family deserves the dignity of knowing they came into a family through love and prayer- not because they were a 2nd best option.
Don’t get me wrong- adoption is amazing, and for DH and I personally it will most likely be a part of our family building story. But it’s not as easy as “just adopting”. So before you tell someone with infertility to “just adopt” please think about the implications of what you’re saying.
No comments:
Post a Comment